I've been coming to the conclusion that the INclusion of magick into my life is so very necessary. I've been practicing for the last..erm..12..13 years. (Holy crap..time sure flies I guess.) The moment my next door neighbor handed me my first tarot deck and book I knew that this practice was one that would stay with me for the rest of my life. She smiled at me and told me I'd make a great witch one day. I actually never call myself that..mainly because I'm just not used to the sound of it. I just call myself a practitioner.
Earlier today I had been thinking about my practices. I've been sitting down and staring at my over flowing book shelf and wondering.."How the hell did I end up with so many $^#$% books!?" Which brought me to a lot of things revolving around my past. My ex's mother had been one of these weird people who thought that her children were the greatest gifts to the earth (I laugh because her son couldn't even pronounce cinnamon correctly..and god I dated that?! Lord allmighty what the hell was I thinking?) ..ahem..anyways. She had tried to convince me that SHE was a "real" witch. That I didn't have the "mental capacity" (I'm embelishing her words mainly because she used something a little more cruel to define me) to do magick.
At this I raised my eyebrows..yes ..those awesome expresive eyebrows of mine. (I swear if I woke up one morning with them shaved off I'd be without half my personality). She continued to degrade me in such a manner that she brought me to tears. Convincing me that I should throw all of my books into the fire that very instant! (Don't worry, I didn't) But, I almost did...I seriously thought about it.
And that's what perplexed me this afternoon. I doubt that she was actually able to levitate off of the bed as she said..I know most of what she said was utter bullshit and her main purpose was to beat me down to be subordinate to her. But I don't doubt that she had magick. See, I LOVE my books. Part with them via raging inferno?? Hell, sometimes I hate going on long trips and deciding between which ones to take, worried that if my house were to burn down I'd lose my precious books. Course I feel guilty as hell because I realize my cat would go up in flames and I never thought about him.
Like I said, I believe that she did have magick..and it wasn't a good kind. It was moreso derived from brow beating people and intimidating them into a corner until they became submissive. When in her presence I didn't DARE stand up to the woman. She made people fear her that much. Sadly her children became the exact likness of her. Dumb as a box of rocks..(actually I find that insulting towards rocks..)..but manipulative. One thing is..NEVER underestimate your adversary.
Sometimes, when people come out and gloat about their power..they really are trying to impress you. Sort of, planting the seed for a magickal farce on your end without doing the dirty work on theirs. Other times, when mixed with intimidation and anger..(you know the whole angry energies) THAT IS their magick. Beyond that, no, not much there.
I was thinking this afternoon..what if I had burned my books? Well..I'd probably buy new ones. But, how would that have changed me?
I laugh now, because I look back at what I surrounded myself with. To this day I mentally (if not physically) cringe at the people I hung out with. The situations that unfolded. It's funny to note most of these people believed they were some mythological group of demon fighters out to save the world. They with their $20 swords and black trench coats going out into the night and swinging at nothing telling me they're killing demons. OKAY...If you say so.. I think now about it and laugh. I never believed it though and I had tried to steer them into a proper direction. Course after all the crap of them saying "No, you don't know what REAL magick is, those books of yours lie..THIS IS REAL!!!" I gave up and said f@ck it. What the hell am I doing surrounding myself with dipshits for anyways? I look back now, most of those people are in their mid twenties and still act like children..disgustingly they have children of thier own.
Man, I've been outgrowing people left and right though. Most of the people I've been looking up to, haven't grown. I have a few friends as of late that just...well...are still that same ol' rut after 6 years. It's hard growing past them. Parts of me think, maybe I should just hold myself back..but why? To be miserable? So I don't have to feel that ol' pain of saying goodbye? Bah! It's hard because I've known some of these people for years. Now, I'm moving onwards with my life and they still expect me to sit at the same old place with them and listen to their 6 year old problems. *sighs*
Well, it's the pain of growing up I spose .