Now I remember why I keep my heart chakra closed. Opening it is like driving a knife into my chest.

It partially blossomed today, and it's holding open.

Dear God, all those people. All that sadness. All that war and hate and destruction. Oh God, oh God. What the hell are we doing?!

Edit: I'm hemorrhaging energy out my heart chakra (and I feel fairly queasy and weak because of it). Of all the chakras, the heart is the hardest to master I think - mainly because of its giving nature. The need to heal the problems of the world means that my system devotes energy to the world at large... I'm going to need to completely restructure the way I work to incorporate that. Less of a solid energy store, and more of a flowing through-the-world existance.

Double Edit: Alright it's about 6 or 7 hours since the chakra half-blossomed, the majority of the energy leakage has stopped, and the chakra is mostly dormant again. The physical pain/pressure seems to have died down too.

Night before last I dreamt that I had entered a town full of people I knew, but their personalities had all been switched around - so they were in each other's bodies. Two, however, rather than showing other people's personalities, had parts of my own.

One of them was my ex girlfriend, who was "the bit of you you lost when we broke up". The other highlighted another personal problem.

Last night's dream, I saw my own eyes roll up into my head, and then a second set of (darkish red) irises rolled in from the side. It was honestly scary, because for a split second I had two sets of irises in each eye. Much of the rest of the dream was spent trying to find someone who could tell me what they meant.

Eyes (From the dream dictionary)
To see your own eyes in your dream, represents enlightenment, knowledge, comprehension, understanding, and intellectual awareness. Unconscious thoughts may be coming onto the surface. If you dream that your eyes have turned inside your head and you can now see the inside of your head, then it symbolizes insight and something that you need to be aware of. This dream may be literally telling you that you need to look within your self. Trust your intuition and instincts.

From the colour correspondences chart in the library here, when applied to personality, red symbolises "boldness, assertiveness, impulsiveness, extroversion, passion, and aggression".

I'm not sure whether it's got something to do with Adrian still being around, or whether it's saying I have cohabiting personality aspects, or even if it's saying that I'm about to go through a major change.

Looks like I was right - the heart chakra cracked open today. Didn't do the full 1 foot diametre wheel blossoming, but it cracked open a bit.

I'm finding it interesting to note the connection between what I'm thinking about and chakra openings. The solar plexus blossomed while I was discussing following the path of angels or demons - specifically advocating the former. The heart cracked open while I was contemplating the idea of the "untribed".

I'll go into that a little further, since it's a good concept. People who are "tribed" have a great big social identity. Whether they define their "tribe" by the football team they support, their political party or so on, they are part of a rather well-defined and self-defending group. People who are "untribed" do not have this group. They have no group power and cannot stand up together to make a difference, but they want to do good in the world. Interestingly, my heart chakra is cracking open again now. I was attempting to think through a way of "tribing" these people.

Anywho, I'm getting there. It will be interesting to see the final collection of ideas I'll get from opening up all the chakras.

I have this personal affectation that many of my friends just haven't quite got their heads around yet, at least in its entirety.

When I need to eat, I turn the word "food" into a verb. "I'm just going to go food myself" or "Hang on, I'm busy fooding".

I only use the word "feed" when talking about my pets, or referring to myself in the vampiric.

My friends (both the aware and unaware ones) thing the verb-form "food" to be a meaningless affectation, and think it means the same thing as "feed".

So very recently, it's been getting on my nerves that whenever I tell them "I need to feed really badly" (which I imagine should be blatantly obvious anyway), and they respond that there's food upstairs.

Incidentally, I've figured out that the energy pumping through my throat chakra is probably to do with an energy bloating. I REALLY feel like I need to feed, but I know I don't need it. For some strange reason my body is trying to overcharge, perhaps for some new growth or extra system. Whatever the reason it's getting me jittery. Very much like a bad addiction, which is ironic since I've never been addicted to anything.

About two years ago I decided that I needed a cat's bell to put onto my neck chain. Three days later, I come across one.

This cat's bell now serves me for divination techniques (pendulum method to just simple notifications that I'm late or using large amounts of energy).

Three days ago I decided that I needed a ring. Today I came across one (or something very akin to one).

Beginning to get weirded out.

SanguiNox, the vampire forum I'm on, is interesting. Found something rather useful for dream interpretation there:
The Dream Dictionary.

Had a bizarre dream a week ago or so:

Vomiting
To dream that you are vomiting, indicates that you need to reject or discard an aspect of your life that is revolting. There are some emotions or concepts that you need to confront and then let go.

To see others vomiting in your dream, signifies false pretenses of people who try to take advantage of you.

Adrian's still there, and attempting to manipulate me. The dream sort of involved both.

Got into a long discussion with a friend about spiritual loyalties... for some strange reason my solar plexus chakra opened up quite strongly, which is rather unusual - for me at least.

Mmph. Well apparently, although I threw off the possession (which is what it seems to have been), Adrian is still apparently hanging around. If anyone has any suggestions on that, I'd be muchly appreciated, as my normal go-to person is being a bitch.

Anywho, in other news, I stumbled across this very nicely organised chakra chart. Interestingly, it lends a bit of credence to my previous statements about my centre/sacral chakra - specifically when it talks about that chakra's lesson:

Feelings—The right to feel. Connected to our sensing abilities and issues related to feelings. Ability to be social and intimacy issues.

Something one of my friends regularly tells me (as I've regularly told anyone willing to ask) - I don't get emotions properly. For the most part I see them as an assumed mask for any given situation. As such, I can see them as a function of positive or negative attachments to the values that come into play in any given situation. Which is true - but doesn't give an intuitive grasp on them.

Anywho... that said, I was only looking for information on throat chakras, because apparently there are powerful words that my mouth keeps trying to say, that I just don't know and don't know how to tap into. I found that when I relaxed, and did what came naturally, my mouth opened, energy massed there in large quantities, ready to be spoken, but there was nothing to say. Bit odd.

I'm positively certain I've thrown him off.

Today was a conjunction of weird events, arguments and decisions. By the end of it, I stood in front of the mirror, stared into my eyes, noted that they seemed to carry an intensity I don't normally have, and I simply said "leave". My body convulsed slightly, and then suddenly I could extend my energy. I can feel everything flowing properly, and my lack of motivation is gone.

All is good for the moment.

Edit:
Not good. I'm getting this continuous sensation not unlike being punched or hit with something forceful - no pain, just the repeated jolt of impact being applied all down my right side. Actually, it kinda feels like a repeated sledgehammer.

Alright... well it seems I have a problem now.

I'm pretty certain Adrian's inhibited my ability to fully extend my energy around my body, meaning he's inhibited my ability to shed him off. So my best efforts to get rid of him are to no avail for the moment. I had a few moments earlier today where I managed to flickeringly fully encompass my body, but for the moment I'm in a perpetual state of relaxed inhabitance.

The reason this is a problem is because I attempted to throw him out a few days ago, while consecrating the camp ground, and I thought I had, but I'm near certain I was wrong.

I'll know more by the end of the week.