I don't know anymore...Am I crazy? I have these totally weird outbursts that doesn't match with the person I think I am. I am bitter sometimes, so bitter that I am scared of the things I say. I am trying to protect myself and I just end up with me saying horrible things to people that doesn't deserve that. Sometimes I think I am a queen, a great human being, the best...After that, I can see that I was stupid, and I apologize. I want to believe that I am on the right way, that I am learning lessons, but...
I'm scared.
What if I am just a horrible person? What if I am just living to hurt others?
On the other way, if I am asking myself these questions, I may be, in some degree, aware of what I should and should not say and do. Maybe I am just confused. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tn_dizzy002.gif) Maybe there is a way for me to become what I want to be. How I want to be.
I am scared of competition, and I react violently. I am afraid that people will make fun of me, will gossip about me, and make me feel bad. I am paranoid. Borderline personality...I found my simptoms among others in a 'Mental Health and Psychology dictionary'. Anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, histrionic personality..and another five mental disorders.
I wanna scream. Just go somewhere where nobody can see or hear me, and scream my anger out in the universe. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/help.gif) I am pathetic, sad person. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/cry_.gif) What am I doing here, anyway? I don't belong here, among you, those interested in occult. What if I am here just because I have problems dealing with this reality? I am not adapted to society.
I am just sad.Though I am not lonely..weird, hugh? I have some friends, and I am torturing them.
Why? Because I think I deserve everything, and I am sure that everyone tries to hurt me. I really must understand that I am nobody. Nobody cares watta' f%*! I am doing or thinking. I am only one from billions. I do not matter.
And, above all, I am my only friend. So, why am I hurting myself, too?
The simplest answer will be that I am exagerating. The more complex one...I suffer of many personality disorders, I am crazy and I should go somewhere to treat myself.

Have you ever though of taking up chess Geegee? It sounds like you would fit in with the scene. Chess really is a great game where learning can go on for more than one lifetime. The only thing is that chess is very difficult, and if you want to play you really must learn to play. Other good games to help develop your instinct are gin, hearts, bridge and if you yearn for creativity scrabble. Don't get me wrong these aren't problem solvers but if you by becoming good at an abstract hobby you really are helping ease your mind.

On another note we must remember that no one really has a singular pychosesis. Everyone is co-morbid, meaning that everyone has more than one mental disorder, they don't come alone. It may seem overwhelming but maybe you can remember where it all started, what were the first signs of problems.

It's very easy to feel so small, so insignificant. Fear has never helped though, fear whispers 'choose me, pick me, I'll help you'. The first step towards empowering yourself is to make the right decision and become aloof of fear, for fear will blind you eventually. It's easy to say and hard to do. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Three things:

Welcome to the community. You don't need a "reason" to be here, any more than you need a "reason" to be in a public library or at an open-air concert. As long as you're not a troll or a spammer, or about to warn us to turn from our hellbound ways and let Jesus into our lives, I'm sure you'll be absolutely fine.

The second thing [puts on stern face] you absolutely cannot self-diagnose a personality disorder from a psychology textbook! Making a judgement that most physicians would recognise as accurate takes years of training and rigorous qualifying tests, and even then, the matter is both complex and controversial. If you're concerned about your mental health, I would urge you, most sincerely, to talk it through with a good, qualified doctor, whom you trust.

Finally, as you browse these pages, you'll come across a great deal of material about meditation, from elementary 'how-to's to write-ups of some very intense techniques and experiences. May I suggest that you give it a try? Whatever the precise nature of your difficulties, you're clearly stressed on top of it all, and meditation will certainly help with that (and "certainly" is not a word I use lightly!)

Take care, and let us know how it goes.

You are not mad. I am angry all the time. Welcome to the world. You can either take the soma that is on offer (drugs, tv, drink, video games etc) and be a 'productive' member of society, or you can choose to experience the world in all its multifaceted evil and feel the way you feel.

I refuse to medicate. I refuse to take the soma. I choose instead to feel this anguish. If it drives me insane then so be it, at least I am alive.

I agree, I took the drugs once. It's like being emotionless I felt like I lost my humanity. I could do terrible mean things and I wouldnt feel anything about it was like observing the world without any attatchment.

I also think the drugs are bad because If your needing them then there is obviously a problem. But how can you come to grips with what your feeling and understand yourself if the drugs diminish your capacity to see these things properly.

I see a psychologist once a month to vent my wierd problems.

BTW geegee is that your real eye on the picture... its very sexy... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/13.gif)
sorry i hope im allowd to say that hehe

I am glad I am not the only one angry, Mediocracy, but what about meditation? What about trying to sit down, breathe and not thinking ? Can you be furious when you are doing that? What about peace and serenity? Should I let the anger conquer me? Should I fight it? Should I not care?
My sun is in Aries and my rising sign in Leo. From what I've read, I am exactly like a typical aries. So far so good. But everyone is telling me that it is wrong to be like that. So I try to change and I cannot, and that's how my anger is born.
From my point of view, I am standing on the edge of a valley, and I have two choices: to go back and try another way, or to step forward. Though I avoid going back, it seems that after I fall and reach the ground, I must walk on the same old road I walked before. So I make no progress...
I like the idea of playing chess. And I must try a sport, a hard one, with lot of kicking and punching. The psychiatrist is too on my' things to do' list. Drugs are too...not for me.
And I wish that was my real eye, but it is not. And that makes me sooo angry.... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

This post has been edited by Geegee: Jul 26 2005, 06:26 AM

I can only tell you about my personal experiences. I have been angry for a very long time. I have had this anger inside and not been able to understand it or deal with it. It, in part, caused my marriage to end because of my depression. I have tried drugs, I have tried drink, I have tried magick... and none of it helped me recognise the anger for what it really is.

I have turned to Zen Buddhism because it makes sense to me. The anger does not really exist, it cannot be pointed at, and yet it still (for me) exists. In Zen terms I am polishing the mirror, a very dusty mirror.

Zazen is not serenity. It has the external appearance of a man sitting quietly. Inside the mind os in turmoil, fighting, chaos ensues, and yet the external appearance remains calm. In time I will still the waters of my mind, but this is no quick fix.

I practice the 5 precepts. I embrace compassion. It is very difficult for someone like me who has held within them this anger for such a long time, and yet for me it is the path I must walk. If it means I have to walk this path alone then so be it. I glimpsed a better life once, just for a brief time, a life of sharing with another person all that life is. It is this that keeps me going, the experience I hold on too even in the darkest moments.

The anger you feel will poison you. It will poison your relationships with others. It will build walls around you. I would urge you to let go of this anger before it ruins your experience of life. I am not trying to convert you to Buddhism, if you look at the message of christ you will see at the core of it all a message of compassion. I am a long way from dealing with my anger, but I have taken the first faltering steps on the path. I wish you luck with your journey.

Geegee, if your thoughts trouble you, put away an hour a day just to sit down and 'think'.
Thoughts are more often than not negative, and rip at your feelings making you feel miserable. Take control over them by giving them attention while in a relaxed state. Take some deep breaths and let them come.


-thief

Thanks for understanding and advice. It is rare for me to express myself and not being ridiculized.

Zen, hugh? After reading your post, Mediocracy, I felt a new urge...I will explore this for a while. Maybe it will fit me.

For now, I am just trying to breathe. To satisfy all my curiosities and my desire for knowing ..stuff. To free myself from fear of rejection(which is huge, it's like a monster).

Hi Geegee! Wow, you sound alot like me, of course i have been to see the Dr. and he diagnosed me with Clinical depression and social anxiety. Yadda yadda, nothing i didn't know before. What i didn't really know is that the rage and social fear of ridicule verging on paranoia are all part of the package. Sometimes it helps during those times when its worst just to KNOW that it's just a chemical imbalance in your brain, your brain is not producing enough of one of the neurotransmitters which is causing all sorts of problems. So while it is 'mental illness' in that your brain is not functioning within normal parameters, its not really YOU. For me that is a huge comfort. Just the simple knowledge that i'm not crazy takes alot of the stress off and that helps bring the fear and rage level down, you know? i agree that the drugs are not all they are cracked up to be, although there are times when being that numb would be a relief, just to let my emotions rest for a while. You don't have to take them any longer than you need or want to. In my case i get through it be focusing more on my cerebriel side and pushing my emotional side to the back burner. For me, if i can look at everything from a logical perspective and try to look at every side of every issue i come up against than i don't have as much time to let my chemicals get away from me. Also have you ever heard of the oriental game called GO. It is completly absorbing, you will be so busy using your brain you wont have time for anything, really! For now just know that you are not alone, both me and my partner have this problem (and some days are just no fun with two depressives in the house, i can tell you) if you need to talk or anything just personal message me, ok?

So, you say that it's a chemical imbalance in the brain? I am not sure what to think about that, I mean, it makes me feel good in one way but, afterall, what exactly is there to be done so the things inside the brain become normal?
Anyway...lately I think I managed to overcome my anger. My friends told me that I am now making fun of everything, and I am not taking anyone seriously. It seems that I replaced the anger with stupid jokes, and some people like that, and some don't. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) I don't exagerate, though! But I am trying to laugh every day, every hour, even if I have to read jokes from the newspaper to put myself in a good mood.
Today I tried to relax, to breathe and to not think of anything for an hour, because I was really getting too furious because of my...well, my life. And when the hour passed by, I was feeling so light and happy and shiny and rested like after a good sleep. So, it seems that is working, too.
Gavriel, be sure that when I will reach another of my critical points I will cry on your shoulder, and feel free to do the same with me.

the jokes is a good way of dealing with it. Many zen masters and taoist sages are just jokers. Their scriptures are full of sarcasm and strange humor.

You are in control of your own mind, and your own body, however it often does not seem that way. Try metta meditation, it may seem fluffy and exagerated at first but it works wonders.
http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/brahmavihara.pdf

Life in itself is often a joke, if it angers you then you are way to involved with things that are just illusions. Everything in this world that is capable of angering anybody is an illusion, a false construct that you place inside your mind. It is not the world that angers you, it is you that places this anger inside your mind. The trick is to free yourself from these points of view, it is not wise to focus on negative things.

Instead focus on what is essential: love, friendship, relaxation. The meaning of life is to be happy, if you are not happy then you are not living life in the correct way!
The job, the work, the money, everything should exist for only one purpose, to help you live a happy life. If one of these things is not helping that, either change the way you view the thing, or skip it entirely. Go back to the root of existance, remember the way a monk lives. Food, shelter, friendship, these are the only things that are essential to being happy and content, the bare minimum to be able to live healthy and content. While more is certainly comfortable if it does not make you happy it should not be a part of your life.

Many will disagree to this anti-materialistic point of view, it is hard on the ego at first, most will want to reject this possibility. But it is the cold hard truth. Things and money are only good if they are serving their purpose, your happyness. Most of the time these two things only bring desire, need, confusion, attachement and in the end unhappyness because it never seems to be enough.

Remember, everyone just wants to be happy. Everything a person does!
Many people are confused and in their struggle of trying to be happy they are unhappy. It never seems enough. Research the buddhist 4 noble truths for more information.

Do not cling to anger, you must allow yourself to let it go. breathe out, relax and let go of it. if you see yourself entering these thought patterns, then laugh at how they are ridiculous, laugh at how they make you unhappy, laugh them all away. Remember what is essential and what is not.

Why is this post in The Sewer? Is it because the chances of it being read are greater?

"Life in itself is often a joke, if it angers you then you are way to involved with things that are just illusions. Everything in this world that is capable of angering anybody is an illusion, a false construct that you place inside your mind. It is not the world that angers you, it is you that places this anger inside your mind. The trick is to free yourself from these points of view, it is not wise to focus on negative things."

I have found that if you can take the rough with the smooth, look beyond the obvious and not be totally wrapped up in your own life and above all, learn to laugh at yourself and your foibles, then you are well on the way to recovery.

Life is a game - a role playing game with a difference. "Instead focus on what is essential: love, friendship, relaxation. " Everything else will follow in its natural course.

Greetings Alafair!
We put the Fight Club in the Sewer to differentiate it from the standard topics (occult) in the Forum. You will no doubt find exceptions. Read the topic site explanation... You've answered your own question. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif) And this post was put here by the one who started it. Take it up with them if you feel there is need.

Actually, I chose the Sewer because of my fears of being ridiculised, and I wanted to be prepared for anyone who would make me feel that way. It was not the case, fortunately.

I am unsure why should anyone want to make you feel uncomfortable about a condition for which you are not responsible nor which is your responsibility?

You are to be admired and respeted for having come clean (so to speak) publically. I hope that you will find it within yourself (and also find someone) to be and who is strong enough to assist you through these troublesome episodes.

Reading your first post was like reading about myself. Depression is anger directed inwards. I was so fucking depressed and anxious that I constantly had sweaty palms and feet. I was so suicidal that my family put me in a psychiatric ward for fear of me killing myself.

Anyway... I strongly recommend that you see a doctor and get some anti-depressants prescribed. It is not true that it makes you emotionless, but it does give you some space to breathe, and that's what you need right now. Then you will start seeing the world from a different perspective. Not all of them work though. I went through 4 different courses before I finally found something that works- Cilift. Ask your doctor about it. The shit is wonderful! Try it.

It certainly gave me a different perspective and enough space to change my life. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rofl.gif)

This post has been edited by Psypocalypse: Oct 12 2005, 03:41 PM

Brave New World reference---nice (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)


A couple of things to ponder--1) Are you and Indigo? If so, your anger/rage stems from a deep seeted impatience with the world. I can go into more if you like.

2) Anger is a secondary emotion. It stems from primary emotions such as fear, frusteration, anixety. Find the root of your anger, and focus on eliminating it.


3) Anger can be quite powerful. Learn to hone it to a fine edge, and it can be a blazing sword. But never let it out of your control, else it'll burn away everything in your life.