Well, I went out and bought Sam Adam's Boston Lager, drank a six pack, vented spleen in my Voodoo pad, posted an oddly obscene post here, had several strange visions of alien intelligence (yay me!) and now I'm having a cup of coffee and sobering up. Honestly, this strikes me right now, if I were sane I would have no interest in the occult. Oh I might make cracks about Jesus and his disciples now and again, but I would never have ended up here, after I might add, being rejected pretty much every place else.

Life is striking me real weird right now. Straight women: you tied yourself to this guy so you could clean his socks? Straight men: you somehow thought having kids would be satisfying? Gay women: your occassional male fling doesn't bother your belief in your own persona? Gay men: you're more effeminate and you wash the guys laundry?

Weird shit that people do without thinking. Look, I know I came on this board like strictly Count Dracula style and tried to take the shit out of everyone, but I have a heart and right now it's black and rotten and it's got a great big hole in it. I'm a Luciferian Gnostic, or a Gnostic Christian. However you want to look at it. The big difference I described in another forum: to me there's spirit's, even greater and lesser spirits, but no penultimate spirits.

I am fighting to maintain my sanity. I am completely isolated from everyone and everything, and I can feel my brain tissue convulsing. I'm some kind of genius, but I fear I will end up a failed kind of genius. I can't break through the red tape. My work is good.

I want a lover. I want someone to talk to. I want a life that isn't so spectacularly full of bullshit. They wonder why I'm bipolar. I have days like this "f%*! this shit I'm exhausted," and days like that "f%*! y'all, I'm going to win!" It has nothing to do with genetics or brain chemistry. I'm being hit by the social sledgehammer right in the spinal cord and I can't make it stop.

Last thing: I recently realized after perusing the old occult forums I went to that the occult scene on the Internet has completely died. I was pissed about some of the behavior, but it's really ashame that guys like Caradoc and Rev and NuHad and Doh and Rin and even Mmothra, who used to make me peevish by spouting Shambhala and calling it Buddhism, it's ashame that these guys aren't doing anything anymore.

I mean this forum has like three posts a day, if that, and it's like, what the hell happened? It's fun to exchange knowledge, and it was fun being a pissant with those guys until the money got in the way. This forum is good because of one thing: When someone posts shit, everyone jumps in to help, instead of lambasting them. That is great. If this forum has always been this way than I'm very sorry to only have recently discovered it. I'm knowledgable, I'm smart, but I post shit sometimes too.

I mean, I tried to up the post count a little, but really, I can only explain that Chaos Magic is sort of this wishy-washy belief that the only thing that happens will always happen and that your magic is of little concern more than two or three times. That's how Peter Carroll describes it. Hine kind of turns it into this "become a Mage and you'll improve yourself" kind of thing, but there are plenty of books like that on the self-help shelves.

Really, I have nothing to explain. I live with the spirits, right now they're overpowering me, and that about covers it. I think they overpower me to get me to try harder, but it gets damn old. Every year my art is more sophisticated, my palette broader, my maturity as a person more, and every year I sink deeper beneath the jack-boots.

I came out to my parents; didn't help. I tried going to Church. Didn't help. I tried some other stuff and now I just buy a six pack and decide to have a bad day. This torture could last 60 years I figure, and I'm dumb enough that I'm trying not to rush it along.

I despise sucides for two reasons: 1) If you get in the habit you'll be coloring in coloring books and eating stale cookies in a group home, and I just can't bear the thought of the humilation and 2) Pain is hard currency and I'm going to be tough enough to collect a whole lot of it.

Well, that's enough psychopathic rambling. I'm going to be back, I can't sleep at all. The drunk gave me about thirty minutes of dreamtime and I'm completely unable to sleep right now, so trust me, I'll be back. I know you're looking forward to it...