What follows is the entry that I out in my journal upon awakening this morning. I would love to hear any comments, ideas, similar experiences, etc...


Thursday, December 03

These are further notes from yesterday. I was having trouble going to sleep, so I decided to try the relaxation ritual again in bed. It was late in the 11 PM hour, and I really wanted to sleep but could not. I visualized the “golden ball of light” and went through the relaxation exercise without the aid of the tape. This time, while I still couldn't “see” the ball of light, I could feel its warmth around my feet...actually feel it, warm and relaxing. When I moved the ball of light, the warmth and relaxation spread just as it should. This time, the shoulder pain and lower back pain vanished. Again, I was able to become very relaxed, as though every part of my body was heavy. I was very satisfied with the results of the relaxation exercise.

As I lay there in bed, relaxed, I decided to see if I could see with my eyes closed and started “looking around the room” mentally. At first, all I could see were shadows or shades of things. The curtains in the window, the TV on the chest of drawers, my hand when I raised it up a couple of feet in front of my face. I gave a thumbs up, the shadow did the same in real time. I made other movements and the shadow followed. Satisfied, I lay there and let my mind go blank. That's when the pictures started to come...actual pictures. I saw at first a circle, the circle became a gear, and all of a sudden there were many gears turning in front of my face as though I were inside a watch or clock or something. I watched as they turned, looking at them in vivid detail....I could see the teeth of the gears, machined holes in the metal (they were bronze colored) the directions that they turned. This is probably the clearest mental picture I have ever seen while conscious. Shortly after the “vision of the gears” is when the voices came. At this point, I figure I was semi-unconscious. It was a female voice that was whispering something to me...it sounded like someone talking on a cell phone in a large bathroom.

I couldn't make out what she was saying, but whatever it was, she was serious about it. It was whispering but forceful, like someone whispering “Quiet!” in a library although whatever she was saying was not that. It seemed to be a phrase or sentence maybe five or six words long, but I couldn't tell what it was. Other voices came, both male and female and they too whispered...I could make out words here and there....one of the words was “Mage” another voice told me “You're not that great” as plain as day. Then another shrieked at me. It was shortly after this that I fell asleep. I do not remember any dreams.

This experience is a strange one to me. The visualization of the gears seems to me to be less than substantive although very vivid and detailed. It is encouraging in the respect that I now understand better how clear and sharp an image made in the mind can appear. The voices on the other hand almost seemed to be trying to discourage me. I wish I could have understood them better, although at this stage it is probably for the best that I could not. I do not have a history of hearing voices, so I don't think I'm schizophrenic. I hadn't taken any drugs, prescription or otherwise and I am not on any medication other than blood pressure medication. It could be an aural hallucination, but these voices were as real as any I've ever heard. At this point, I am leaning toward “astral garbage,” but I have decided that it is now time to go ahead and add the LBRP to my daily work along with the Tarot Contemplation Ritual even if I do have to use crib notes.


Same day

Quick notes on tonight's activities:

Total disaster. Mind racing and finding it hard to concentrate. Note to self: do Tarot Contemplation AFTER relaxation, or at a different time altogether. The card I drew tonight was #9 - The Hermit. Contemplated that card for several minutes and then my mind would not stop, ending up somewhere in the Gnostic Gospels. Strange, Going down for attempt #2....gotta get some sleep and go to work tomorrow.