The Rite of Ritual Defecation
Meant originally as a joke but founded upon standard ceremonial magick & occult practices. Probably the most disgusting thing about this rite is that it actually works! Um...not that I do this sort of thing very often...

Tools and materials required: 1 Holey Sacrificial Bowl (common toilet that has been dedicated to magickal work), ceremonial tissue paper (in rolls, preferably 2-ply), deodorant spray, and the usual sacrificial offerings appropriate to this Rite. If necessary an empty tissue roll may be used as a temporary wand.

1. Firstly, secure and clear the ritual space in the usual manner by closing (and preferably locking) the chamber door and then perform preliminary banishings according to one's traditions.

2. Next, assume the proper position (i.e. perched aloft the magickian's 'throne' in the appropriately semi-disrobed fashion).

3. Now, activate and open corresponding energy centers (e.g. root or 1st chakra) for the auric purification and any other energy work to be done. One might use a previously learned grounding exercise and then systematically open the other chakras to ensure proper energy flow through the auric sphere.

4. When ready, the magickian may concentrate all negative emotions and tensions such as anger toward people or situations, sadness, depression, etc. and direct them into the ritual offering (which is still to be found in its entombed position held securely within the grasp of the magickian's rectal sphincter).

5. While vibrating any and all appropriate names whether voluntarily or involuntarily, the magickian should then deposit the ritual offering(s) into the Holey Sacrificial Bowl, thus releasing them from his body and purifying his energy field. The Sign of the Excretor may be used while releasing the offering (sitting version of the Sign of the Enterer), and a more accurate version of the Sign of Silence (Harpocrates sitting upon a lotus) may be used to cut off the flow of energy after each release.

6. One should visualize the emotional tensions which were concentrated into each offering as being permanently released from one's sphere of consciousness, only to be dissolved over time in the septic waters which carry away impurities toward their return to the Source of All. Meditation on the significance of this cycle of endless return may also prove beneficial later.

7. If the magickian is lucky enough, the Holey Sacrificial Bowl (corresponding to Water and really just a larger version of a common ritual chalice) may deem him worthy of the anointing of a watery kiss upon his root chakra after a particularly substantial release. This may also help to alleviate any initial pain or irritation that may have been experienced in that area. Pain is a part of life, and often encountered when dealing with one's inner turmoils, tensions, and unresolved emotional conflicts.

8. Following the completion of this Holey Rite, the magickian should then perform the final cleansing with the ceremonial tissue. Then, send the offerings on their way to return to the Source, assured all the while of one's emotional tensions being dissolved over time in the septic waters of creation and renewal.

9. When once again fully robed, perform the proper rituals to close the ceremony according to one's tradition, and banish with deodorizing spray.

10. Cleanse the hands in the usual manner, and return to the world of people with the smug satisfaction that they are completely unaware of what you've REALLY been doing in there all this time. Note: a magazine carried under the arm is a good cover-up for this Rite.