Strange Energy Source, within and without me. Options

First of all, I would like to start this with: RIP Bym, you will be missed.

Now to the actual post. I've been at tennis camp for two weeks. My life has absolutely SUCKED these past two weeks (my friend committed suicide, I had to end a relationship and I got in a couple fights over similar things and my confidence in the value of humanity has been lowered), so I haven't slept well. Well I kind of looked around inside myself for energy and came upon something. It was in my stomach - not my abdominal area, specifically my stomach. It was kind of a shifting blackness at first, encased in a barrier of flesh. Then I recognized an arm and eyes turned to face me. I recognized an energy so I harmonized with it for a little - I let its darkness fill me and got the image of it releasing out of my stomach and moving its arms and legs so that they match where mine are, my veins filling with a black substance and me getting energy from darkness. It didn't make me feel bad, just extremely energized - I felt refreshed. When I was done with it it went back into my stomach without a fight and immediately instead of regular flesh like it had been the barrier became radiant, like it was a wall of light. Later, after I had gone home I got searing pain to the abdomen. I don't mean a cramp - I know what that feels like. I mean it felt just like... compression. It felt like my innards were exploding. No, I have not had digestive problems - and, once again, I know what that feels like. I immediately knew certain things about it - such as that it was a separate being that was inside of me, not my own darkness and that it would serve me very well in a fight - it would make me merciless and enraged if I needed it.

Which brings me to another topic which I think might be related; my anger. Whenever I get angry I lost control. Not like I just do whatever and shirk responsibility for my actions by saying i couldn't control myself, but I do things that I couldn't normally do. A year ago this girl in my grade was throwing stuff at me for no reason and hit me with a metal spoon. She'd already been annoying me that day so I just lost it. I literally stood up and yelled, in these exact words: "Shut up, I don't like you!!" and she ran away and cried. The people who witnessed it were talking to the teacher after and said they were actually scared when I did it. I get totally enraged and merciless when I'm angry; if that girl had been closer I would have broken something on her without a doubt (come to think of it, I rather wish I had (IMG:style_emoticons/default/hmm.gif) ). There have been other instances like this throughout the years, and they only occur when somebody makes me angry enough that I just lose control and some other force comes through me to express it. That's my second stage of anger. In my first I just become cold and merciless and usually reduce people to tears without making physical (or sometimes even verbal) contact. If it's with words, I don't insult them, but I seem to become aware of every emotional and psychological weakness they have and then exploit it. Needless to say, I realized about five years ago that this anger was impractical for petty use and I keep it in check; it takes time and effort to make me angry, but when you do, one of those two things happens. Both of them are things I couldn't ordinarily do; I am NOT an intimidating person, or a smart one. Neither of these is congruent with my personality, and now that I think about it when I go into those rages the energy that fills me when they happen is the same type as what happens when I call on the thing inside me. And the worst is: once I build up a grudge against a person (not something I do lightly) any thought of hurting them has a sickening temptation to it, like I want to go do it as soon as the image is in my head. Yet again, this has no congruency with my real personality.


Thanks for reading that, I know it was really long.

Any thoughts? I feel a little (IMG:style_emoticons/default/insane.gif) on the subject.

The anger part sounds to me (from my admittedly limited experience) like you may have suffered from IED when younger and are now learning to control it. This makes then wonder if the black thing you saw is perhaps your mind's way of visualising the IED? I suffered with depression for years and often would actually perceive it as a visual thing, so this sounds quite possible!

Anyway, good luck with it all. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

The anger part sounds to me (from my admittedly limited experience) like you may have suffered from IED when younger and are now learning to control it. This makes then wonder if the black thing you saw is perhaps your mind's way of visualising the IED? I suffered with depression for years and often would actually perceive it as a visual thing, so this sounds quite possible!

IED is usually characterized by explosive rage that is disproportionate to the situation... my rage is never disproportionate, just terrifying. And why would my visualization of depression or IED give me energy? That wasn't meant to sound like I was telling you you're wrong, it's an honest question. Additionally, over the years I've had to see many a shrink and none of them has ever mentioned it to me or my parents.
(IMG:style_emoticons/default/help.gif)

If you want my honest opinion, I would say you probably feel inadequate or powerless in some way (likely related to how much your life has sucked lately), and as a defense mechanism have led yourself to believe you have special "dark" powers. Your defense of your anger in calling it terrifying rather than disproportionate makes it seem less like you want help and more like you're... perhaps proud of it.

I don't intend this as an insult; I bring it up because I feel things similarly to you, and I know my "problems" are because I felt... unimpressive. My life had sucked; my relationships to both my friends and girlfriend had ended; I was low.

To make myself seem more powerful, I made some mistakes; I've had a fascination with places, people, and things relating to death and violence. Thus my initial attraction to "black magic" and necromancy. When that didn't work, I turned to various crimes in an attempt to feel "hardcore." All it got me was time out in a very little room.

I don't know if this sounds like you or not, but it might be something to consider when/if you meditate or have some time alone. I turned my life around when I realized that anger, no matter how intimidating, is never more useful than a calm and reasoned approach. In aforesaid life of crime, the people who got angry were the ones I saw get caught or hurt - because getting angry at something is letting that something control you.

You'd be surprised how few drug deals go bad if you're polite and not confrontational. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/13.gif)

This post has been edited by Vilhjalmr: Jun 24 2010, 10:32 PM

IED is usually characterized by explosive rage that is disproportionate to the situation... my rage is never disproportionate, just terrifying. And why would my visualization of depression or IED give me energy? That wasn't meant to sound like I was telling you you're wrong, it's an honest question. Additionally, over the years I've had to see many a shrink and none of them has ever mentioned it to me or my parents.
(IMG:style_emoticons/default/help.gif)

I'm only going on my experience of IED, and I'm by no means saying it's definitely anything like that, I'm just pointing out the possiblity. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) Also, define disproportionate - to me disproportionate and terrifying are the same thing 99% of the time when it comes to anger.

As for the visualisation of IED/depression/whatever it may be giving you energy, it could be that when you get angry you're feeding subconsciously feeding it energy, building up a sort of reserve of energy.

If you want my honest opinion, I would say you probably feel inadequate or powerless in some way (likely related to how much your life has sucked lately), and as a defense mechanism have led yourself to believe you have special "dark" powers. Your defense of your anger in calling it terrifying rather than disproportionate makes it seem less like you want help and more like you're... perhaps proud of it.

I don't intend this as an insult; I bring it up because I feel things similarly to you, and I know my "problems" are because I felt... unimpressive.

Thus my initial attraction to "black magic" and necromancy.

anger, no matter how intimidating, is never more useful than a calm and reasoned approach.

You'd be surprised how few drug deals go bad if you're polite and not confrontational. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/13.gif)

First: Inadequate, powerless and unimpressive are not words that apply to me in any way (not trying to sound egotistical, but I have skills - I have nothing to feel inadequate, powerless or unimpressive about)... I set my own standards and I always meet them.

Second: My life doesn't suck anymore. Seriously, it all cleared up at 11:52 PM last night. And the energy method I mentioned still works.

Third: I don't mean that I have some special dark power, I'm wondering if I'm possessed or something - there's some sort of malevolent presence in my house, and I was wondering if it was messing with me and I was going to get really messed up from it.

Fourth: I have never had any wish to perform any act that affects any undeserving people negatively (whether people on here like it or not, I put black magick in that category) and I find necromancy gross... not because of the whole ridiculous corpse revulsion thing, but because I've felt the energy of the dead and it's just uncomfortable to me... I practice elemental magick and defend the earth with it if I use it for anything other than calling up a nice breeze.

Fifth: I didn't mean to sound proud of it (I'm quite the opposite, actually, however useful it is in a fight), it IS terrifying... most people can't make people run away and sob in a corner without making physical contact or telling them anything worse than to be quiet and that you don't like them (something she already knew). It IS terrifying.

Sixth: Like I said, I realized that it was useless and impractical to have happen all the time, so I chilled myself out.

Seventh: Don't do drugs, they kill people - even some who don't take them. A stray bullet doesn't discriminate.

Please don't interpret my post as an attack. One issue that needs to be cleared up immediately: I never said you were unimpressive, powerless, or inadequate in any way - only that, due to events in your life, you might feel that way. Which leads me to:

First: Inadequate, powerless and unimpressive are not words that apply to me in any way (not trying to sound egotistical, but I have skills - I have nothing to feel inadequate, powerless or unimpressive about)... I set my own standards and I always meet them.

Honestly: you do sound egotistical; and that makes me think I might be more on the mark than you're willing to admit. Usually, people who truly feel powerful and impressive do not need to inform anyone of it; if you are secure in your awesomeness, who cares what some internet forum thinks?

I know that when I feel truly badass, I have no desire to communicate the fact; it doesn't matter what non-badasses think. When I'm feeling down, though, I like to talk about all the "hardcore crimes" I've committed or whatever. The scariest people I've ever met were scary because they didn't run their mouths. In fact, they barely talked at all. I immediately got the impression they could end a human life as easily as squashing a bug.

But I digress. The fact that you admit to no weakness at all makes me wonder if you are egotistical, just rightfully confident, or have an inferiority complex like me. I don't presume to know you; realize this is all just conjecture - for all I know, every word you've typed is the unvarnished truth, and I don't doubt it. I'm only trying to help if you happen to be like me. If not, well, I hope it's at least interesting to read. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/13.gif)

Second: My life doesn't suck anymore. Seriously, it all cleared up at 11:52 PM last night. And the energy method I mentioned still works.

I'm glad to hear it.

My life is, to all appearances, fairly nice now; I have a loving family, good friends, and an excellent chance at completing a doctorate of pharmacy. But I still carry what you might call "mental battle scars", and I don't know if they'll ever go away... though they've been getting weaker as time goes on.

Third: I don't mean that I have some special dark power, I'm wondering if I'm possessed or something - there's some sort of malevolent presence in my house, and I was wondering if it was messing with me and I was going to get really messed up from it.

Fair enough. Though - see, I too wondered if I was possessed.

If you wander over to Veritas Society forums you can find a thread about my concern about possession. But I also felt sort of thrilled at the prospect of being an engine of demonic destruction. Perhaps I am more childish than you; it just struck me that, reading your posts, you seem less worried and more thrilled.

Fourth: I have never had any wish to perform any act that affects any undeserving people negatively (whether people on here like it or not, I put black magick in that category) and I find necromancy gross... not because of the whole ridiculous corpse revulsion thing, but because I've felt the energy of the dead and it's just uncomfortable to me... I practice elemental magick and defend the earth with it if I use it for anything other than calling up a nice breeze.

Excellent! Though how someone cannot love necromancy is beyond my rotting soul's ability to comprehend....

Fifth: I didn't mean to sound proud of it (I'm quite the opposite, actually, however useful it is in a fight), it IS terrifying... most people can't make people run away and sob in a corner without making physical contact or telling them anything worse than to be quiet and that you don't like them (something she already knew). It IS terrifying.

It sounds awesome to me. Not only does it single you out as special - whether in a good or bad way, only you can say - but if, as you say, your anger is not disproportionate but appropriate to the situation, what's not to like? Though if it happened without my control or consent, I might be terrified myself.

Sixth: Like I said, I realized that it was useless and impractical to have happen all the time, so I chilled myself out.

If only I had learned that by 14... could have saved me a lot of time and grief. Jail ain't no fun. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/13.gif)

Seventh: Don't do drugs, they kill people - even some who don't take them. A stray bullet doesn't discriminate.

Last I heard, drugs don't shoot bullets!

Would you take an antibiotic?

Not to derail the topic on the merits of drugs; it just happens to be a subject close to my heart. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/lol_2.gif)

This post has been edited by Vilhjalmr: Jun 25 2010, 08:29 PM

a) welcome to the fine world of entity work - get its name and work on your connection to it - see if it has a sister lol

b) manipulation through anger is easy (i do it all the time (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif) ) but with practice you can spin out their control (just like tennis) and cause them to flip out or run screaming or whatever - without ethics (what some call empathy or sensitivity), this practice will eventually cause you to burn out, so limit your liability lol

the solstice has passed, and the full moon was with it, and that may have been the fire that caused your life to be in chaos and out of control - i and others feed on such heightened energy, but some have a hard time handling it, especially those with high confidence like yours - there was a lot of drama popping up this weekend due to the heightened energy, but it is fading now