Sock Magic Options

Just thought I'd post some random adaptations of Sigil magic that a friend and I ranted about/created last weekend at a moot. Its not really Chaos, its more Discordian in nature simply due to its craziness. Well, here we go:

THEORY

Many experts disagree on the subject of just where those blasted socks go when you do the laundry. There are many theories, many revolving around the Sock and Anti-Sock concept whereby, for some unknown reason the sock particles (related to the Higgs Boson in origin, although it still remains a virtual particle it has yet to be observed in an atom smasher, although it does fit in with current experimental physics) of some socks become negatively polarized. This may be due to the types of fabric conditioner used and the amount of friction the individual socks are exposed to during the wash cycle. Some radicals even go as far as saying that anti-sock matter is the equivalent of generic Antimatter, although many of these nutter have explained their theories with big equations and numbers, the main body of our community think they're talking out of their arses. Besides, if there really was a sock/anti-sock containment breach in your washing machine then everything for several miles would get wasted in a huge blazing inferno of anialating particles, incinerating all within the blast radius.
Other theorists claim that there is no reason at all for the anti sock concept and that it is infact the motion of the washing machine itself. The sudden acceleration in speed warps space/time and can sometimes create rifts that a sock can fall into. However, this theory implies that there still must be something fundamentally unique or special about the very matter that comprises socks. This matter may be somehow related to the exotic particles Quantum Theorists describe when concerning wormholes and other such phenomena. It is possible that the types of wormholes created are both spatial and temporal, and it is possible to find socks hanging around that have come back through time from when you washed them at a later date! This may have a few problems with paradox’s and the Temporal Prime Directive (as outlined in StarTrek NextGeneration, Episode No.12e series 3) but that’s too deep for this little article. If the wormholes created are spatial in nature then that may explain why you can find socks in really weird places, like under the bath or in the attic. However, sometimes socks disappear for good, which leads to the question of the range of these space/time anomalies. There are finge theorists that suggest that the chance of a sock dissapearing is directly proportional to the amount of sweat oder it contains, the more it stinks, the greater the chemical reactions caused, which may lead to a greater spatial rift to suck the sock into,in some respects they have a point. There are still fewer people that suggest that the dissapearence of the sock is simply due to chemical reactions within the sock due to the amount of sweat. And of course there will always be the memories of the great suicide cult of 1979 that believe socks were a great intelligence that had travelled here from Sirius B to teach us of their heavenly world that could only be reached through death.... but I digress.
I propose (and believe me it has gained me no favors in this line of work, there are many that wish me harm and have branded me a heretic) that once and a while, the range of the transported sock (through whichever socktheory/paradigm your using) extends beyond the limits of our Universe. It is possible (using my kickass new physics revealed in my book, 'Sock Mysteries, a road to enlightenment', £23 from any good retailer) that these vortex's propel our socks into ANOTHER DIMENSION, where all matter is made from positively charged sock particles. I believe through my extensive research and study that all socks in our Universe are negatively charged and, when exposed to the gravitational forces and friction/static build up inside the core of a washing machine, this charge becomes so powerful that it tares a rift in the fabric of our Universe and is discharged, just like a lightning bolt, into Universe B. When this happens the sock is totally anialated.

However, this doesn’t leave much for the occultist to work with, and as you will find out when you buy my book ('Sock Mysteries, a road to enlightenment', £23 from any good retailer) and learned the crazyass metapsyence that I have utilised to come to this conclusion, you will see that socks in our Universe are actually a manifestation of the one true God, and that during the original creation the Sock God got something wrong, and 50% of all the socks were accidentally manifested within our Universe at some point in the 12th Century AD. Ever since then the sock God has been attempting to unite his people and his own power within Universe B. And so anyone aiding the Sock God in his Holy Quest will be rewarded!

PRACTICE

Take ye one sock that appears to have no sister sock, one sowing needle, thread of your choice (if possible make sure its colour corresponds with your desired intent). Incense or smelly washing sh*t of your choice (Again, make sure it corresponds etc) and a pre-prepared Sigil.
I am assuming that everyone reading this knows what a Sigil is and how to make them, if you don’t then its ok, just read 'The Book of Pleasure (Self Love)' by Austin Osman Spare, 'Liber Null' by Peter Carroll or 'Sock Mysteries, a road to enlightenment', £23 from any good retailer.

Now, while repeatedly vibrating the great mantra of the Sock God,
"Faar Ree Noon Bi Oo,
Gii Vee Alaar Oom Orrrl Yooor Mon Ayyy,
Faar Ree Noon Bi Oo,
Oop Oop idoo."

Sow your sigil into the sock.

Then set your washing machine for MAXIMUM POWER and throw the sock in with all the rest of your clothes etc. Then do your best to forget about it.

If the sock is still there then it means that it has not built up enough energy to make the transaction between our Universe and Universe B, just keep trying. Eventually the Sock God will accomplish your desire (he is God afterall) and you will be blessed with never loosing any more socks as you wont have any left!

In my book I go into this in much MORE detail, explaining the metapsyence behind it all, giving many MORE practical techniques and exercises for getting in touch with your own Sock Spirit, making Sockators, the rituals of the Sock God, the Jihad of Sockuthor the Mighty, how to gain enlightenment within the paradigm of Sockuanity, the 23 names of Sockuthor and evocation techniques, invocations of Sockuthor and his 17Billion lesser spirits and MUCH MUCH MORE!!!

Please get in contact with New Aeon Books to order YOUR copy of my book.

I hope you enjoy, if anyone would like to feedback any results or personal enlightenment then please PM or E-Mail or just respond to this thread.

Alarum (IMG:style_emoticons/default/drugs.gif)

Socrates too had had a problem with his errant knitted footwear, but that much of his written musings and hypotheses may have been taken in the rush with the disappearance of the Library at Alexandria. In point of fact, this additional loss of the great suppository of ancient knowledge might explain the ongoing enigma of fugitive socks.

An observation only.

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It may be that the socks are actually creatinng a sock from the build up of energy. The reason that they don't all pair up is that a new sock is spontaneously created! I started with only two socks and have succesfully bred them into an entire weeks supply. Fabric sheets tend to lower sock conception so i usually place a bottle of white wine and a barry white CD in the dryer with them. Be careful of Sockually Tranmsitted Diseases though. (Insert groan here)


(The post that started this left me on the ground. Hilarious)

The sock breeding thing is mentioned in my book, it was one of those bits I was going to leave for my readers, now you've ruined it! And Socrates was GREEK why the hell would you need socks in Greece? Socks were'nt even invented then! As I have said above, they appeared in the 12th Century AD.

Fools.

Do not tempt my deadly underwear demon SKIDMARKUS. He commands 12 legions of bikini briefs, and is ruled under the sign of YOURANUS. He is vengeful and devious. You can read about him in my new book entitled "Give me twenty dollars" available at all major booksellers for twenty dollars.

And Socrates was GREEK why the hell would you need socks in Greece? Socks were'nt even invented then! As I have said above, they appeared in the 12th Century AD.

Fools.

Bedsocks - I am told that old men like bed socks! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) and in any case it only goes to show how long Socrates' socks went missing if they only turned up again in the 12th Century.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/rofl_2.gif) hahahaha "Faar Ree Noon Bi Oo,
Gii Vee Alaar Oom Orrrl Yooor Mon Ayyy,
Faar Ree Noon Bi Oo,
Oop Oop idoo." maybe ill summon his grand powers and defeat the evil SKIDMARKUS before all underwear is forever lost to thongs.

Socrates was never old you prink! He was forced to kill himself when he was still middleaged, HEMLOCK!!! HEMLOCK I SAY!

Who ever said Socrates was an old prick? That is conjecture: but he was 70 years and he did wear bedsocks.

One other thing, and I do not like to be a put-right, but socks were around a lot longer before 12th Century.
Hoof it over to this link.
http://vindolanda.csad.ox.ac.uk/exhibition/people-2.shtml

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That link is nothing but heresy and lies.

(The whole 12th century thing was a joke...) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)