Sexualization of wish-fulfillment, The first step Options

Over the course of my life, I have been struggling with a certain kind of sexual addiction which inhibited me from really knowing or experiencing my own true erotic energy. It “usurped the throne”, so to speak, and profoundly interrupted my ability to contact my genuine sexuality.

So, out of desperation, I began finding my own way. I developed this practice only in order to seek out the erotic within myself. Not only did I accomplish that, but also, I believe, I took the first big step in really understanding what Spare was doing in using sex “as the technique and medium of a magical act.” Unfortunately, having taken up with a partner, I now find it very difficult to continue with this practice, as it is basically masterbating without any physical contact whatsoever. But I feel like passing it on to any of you lonely magickians out there.

Use your imagination, not for fantasy, but for sensation. Feel sexual energy circulating through your errogenous zones. I would imagine my phallus huge, powerful (like one of those Oriental erotic paintings) and throbbing with scintillating blissful energy. I would evoke erotic images, without becoming involved in a fantasy, that propelled me into a kind of trance. Images that were best were not graphic, but nevertheless were charged with arousal. The point here is to heighten and amplify sexual arousal, and the sensation of primal energy moving through you, until you are literally thrashing about, screaming.

It is at this point IME that the sexual energy transmutes into Will; and since the energy is now at boiling point out of desire for release, it has the potential to become “reified” into physical and spiritual reality.

Alas, I was not able find out how to take it to that point, as my sexuality is now fully channeled into the present relationship. But I hope that this exercise helps any of you out there.

Oh! And another thing, I sensed that as I was doing it, that I was calling a dakini (spirit/faery- tantric initiator) into my energy-field without even realizing it. Perhaps that is what Spare meant when discussing the benefits of intercourse with “succubi”

I'm not a lonely "magician", but I have been trying to rediscover my pure sexuality as of late. Thus far, I have failed in waking, but it's when I dream is when I'm waking up in the middle of an orgasm. I was actually quite put off by it the first time because I could not remember what my dream was about.

The the last couple times, one being yesterday afternoon during a nap, I remembered that it was all me...watching myself build that exact energy from my root, my Divine Feminine and let it explode. In my dreams I never touched myself, same with physcially. I'd wake up with my hands still under my head, but my body shuddering. In a way it still unsettles me, which I feel is due to my sudden inability (which has moved into aversion and anger) to get sexually aroused by my partner and even myself anymore.

I am also upset that I cannot even cast sexual energy while seeing the Divine God with me, an event I used to practice when I was younger. My thoughts are turning more and more twisted and so bloody obscure when it comes to anything related to sex or desire, I've gotten to the point of just giving up entirely because I don't even know where to turn to for this anymore. I've been looking into alot of Goddess Magic(k), to find myself again and all that, but circumstances are holding me back from really being able to practice.

I think it could be due to stress, these past few months have almost drove me to the loony bin. And I'm rambling again....6am is not fun.

Namaste

Hello DollHouse,

I'm sorry you are having so much trouble. On one hand, it sounds amazing, the dreams you're having. But on the other hand, it sounds as if that kind of connection to your sexuality is gone when in the waking world. I'll try to give the best advice that I can.

In my experience, there are some things that turn you are on which are a kind of an invasion or personal baggage that isn't really you, almost like an astral parasite or larvae. They equate with past trauma and an emotional, sexual imbalance that developed at some point. What I have to do (and its a continual struggle) is to acknowledge its presence, not force it down or suppress it, but also to not cooperate with it, not get involved.

As far as the practice goes (the one I discussed), I found it worked best when I wasn't focusing on what got me aroused, so much as the experience of arousal itself, the frustration of it. There is this biological and cultural conditioning that whenever we feel hunger or desire, that it has to be satisified, fulfilled. And when we experience that desire, a frustration immediately consumes us, and we feel compelled to gratify ourselves.

My realization was that the experience of arousal is swallowed by its gratification. In other words, we never give ourselves the chance to really feel it. In this way, a monk may be more sexual than one who is promiscuous. When the frustration rises, just let go and allow yourself to celebrate the experience of being alive. I often feel an enormous gratitude at just being able to feel the lust and excited arousal, and feel content not to do anything about it, but to just feel it and go as deep into it as you can and let go. Observe how it feels in your body and intend this nonphysical pleasue to be physically experienced in our body as blissful energy.

I don't know if this helps, but I hope it does and that you can relate to it in some way. The best of luck to you on your journey.