Studying the Occult, Your Reasons and Motivations... Options

Occasionally I wonder what got people into studying and practicing the occult, and what kept you motivated doing the rituals?

For me, I started up in my teens - early twenties reading about "new age" psychology of success for several years and read close to 200 books on the related subject from authors like Napoleon Hill, Herb Cohen, Brian Tracy, Anthony Robbins and the likes. My primary questions while studying those back then was,"what makes people different from each other, how do they think differently, why does the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer - how does their mind works, their characteristic, and habits."

My study and research on the subject educated me a thing or two about how our mind works. What is the subconscious, the uses of it, and how to use it productively.

When I came studying the occult, I found many things which in principles were very similar to what I've been reading in the past and it is simply reworded in different ways and metaphores using various "ancient" aids such as sigil, elemental weapon, herbs, dolls etc.

I found the same principles when I studied and practiced martial art. I learned a few types of the systems, extract it's essence - develop my own fighting system, and proven it in many spar and a few real streetfights that it is IMHO, as effective as a martial artist with a 20 years of fighting experience.

Roses by any other names will smell as sweet. In all cases above - everything seemed to use one core principles, one master key to unlock whatever doors we're trying to open - that is, if we can interpret and use these laws correctly for each of our unique challenges and endevours.

Some may call this cosmic laws, the water will always seek to flow downward and this simple fact seems indeed very simple - yet extremely complicated to fully grasp. The more I know about something, the more questions will arise, and the more I even acknowledge how much I do NOT know - how much more knowledge out there. Infinite. It's like trying to pour the all waters of the oceans into a one very small cup. What an extremely pea brains we have with a foolishly BIG human ego and we can never study and know everything in an even ten lifetimes.

Hunger for knowledge, intellectual and spiritual enlightment is my motivations in my studies and practices (and also means to fulfill my worldly needs, lusts and desires (IMG:style_emoticons/default/bigwink.gif) )

How about you?

It started for me when I was bout 5 years old, my father was terminally ill in hospital. On this day I had gone to visit him with my mother and she had gone out of the room with the doctor. I saw my father get up out of the bed and walk out of the room and I ran after him asking him where he was going. My mother stopped me in the hall and asked me where I was going.I just pointed up the hall as I saw my dad turn to me and wave and blow me a kiss. My mother took me back into my fathers room, he was still in the bed and she told me he was sleeping. I never saw him again.
Not long after this I started school. I used to walk home with some older childeren and as I went past this park there was always a very elderly nun sitting on the bench and she would wave at me and smile as I went past. One day the other childeren were teasing me and took off. As I walked past the park she was there and she called me over, I did not even think that it was strange that she knew my name, I was such a trusting little girl. I spent hours talking to this lady and she dried my tears and talked of my father. Naturally when I got home my mother was furious and asked me where I had been. I said I was talking to Esther from the church. She grabbed me by the arm and took me up to the church where the nuns lived, of course there was no such person. My mother had me physcologically assessed on recommendation of the priest and from then on I was made to attend church every weekend. I remember my mother and grandmother had a huge falling out over this and they did not talk for months. I was not allowed to see my grandparents either. I went to church and I questioned everything, and I was conditioned that little girls were to be seen but not heard. If I saw anyone that was not there I would get a belting from my mother and later my step father, so I stopped.
As I got into my teens I become very difficult and I quite often struggled with my inner knowledge of the "other world". I ran away from home several times, started to use various substances to ease my pain and confusion. Home life was not going so well, so when my mother advised me that we were moving interstate I refused to go and ended up with my grandmother. My grandmother was what I would now refer to as a closet witch, she taught me all the basics she would make powders and tinctures and home remedies for every thing under the sun.She taught me how to quite my mind and meditate. When I was about 15 years old I found her tarot cards and got them out and just started to read them like I had always been able too. She caught me and took them off me saying that it was too dangerous and I was not ready yet. That is when the thirst started, I could not get enough information into me. I went to libraries(unfortunately there was little readily available information back in those days), I meditated, I worshiped nature and I begin to think about things very deeply.I started to hear things, get little valuable snippets of information. I started to see and feel spirit again.I found that I had to ability to make things happen when I used will and concentrated. I always seem to meet the right people at the right time from then on, people who helped me get to where I am on my path now. It seems like I am the one helping others now, people are always crossing my path. Just recently I started a new job and I thought to myself I will not be telling anyone there about what I do. One of my co workers said to me after about a month "your a witch aren't you?" . I felt comfortable in saying yes, she said she knew the moment she saw me and asked why I had not said anything- I just said because you already knew. Turns out she needs some help too.

The only motivation I have for this is I do not know how to be anything else. It is who I am and who I have always been.