I seem to be going through some kind of personality disintegration. I can't decide on a Deity to stick with. I get all excited learning about this goddess or that demoness, and when the dust settles my life hasn't changed very much. Dull. Mundane. Dreary. Crazy.

But the world doesn't change just because you learn a little, right? You have to act on the knowledge to set things in motion.

I'm afraid I'm quite insane. No, seriously. So as much as I love to fall in love with goddesses, beautiful, serene, pure, and holy, maybe that is not the path set before me.

There's this scene in the Dark Stalker's movie where they suggest that you must be able to love your own evil heart before you can truly love others and know peace. It's just an anime, but the idea appeals to me.

So much guilt, so much shame. So much rage. If I can love Duke Gremory, can I come to love my own hideous heart as well? Shall I choose to love Him, and accept the evil side of my soul in the process?

To stop 'loving' conditionally, superficially, always passing judgement..., and to know peace at last...

I think I am not spiritually ready for goddesses to lead me upward to heaven yet. I do not understand or trust Divine Love. For now, perhaps I need a demoness to guide me as I wander through hell.

Because I cannot accept my own sins without hatred and self-loathing, how can I truly accept you for who you are? I cannot. I smile, but I die inside, and become sick...bitter...hateful... Sometimes I want to dance with the Lords of Madness, sing hymns of praise through my mindless ravings and shriekings, and lose myself in the warm embrace of insanity.

But not today...who knows what will happen tomorrow? I don't, but at least today I will not utterly forsake my humanity. Still...the Urilia text calls to me... I find the sigils hypnotically beautiful... Simon may have made it up, but he's got a lunatic genius when it comes to creating those demonic icons... They are primal, raw, and sinister... They are like serpents of ink, alive and deadly...

Ha ha ha!

Oliver