Maybe It's A Curse?, Curse of the Mundanoeity Options

My life is...decidedly mundane. I have never seen anything magical, never felt any presence of any ghost, spirit or god, never found anything that couldn't be explained and understood. My delusions may be that there is magic, but no matter how I search, or how I look within myself, nothing emerges. I need to find magic in order to have hope again, but can't find it at all. Any spells, invocations, or summonings of will I try myself all seem to run up against a wall, and nothing ever happens. Any person I've met who claimed access to some form of magic turned out to be a charlatan, or a swindler.

This isn't some run-of-the-mill dry period. I've existed for nearly three decades without a single whisper of magic coming my way. It's not that I'm closed to it, or avoiding it. It's not that I just haven't been looking long enough. I know very well what magic is, so I can't be mistaking it for something else. So...maybe I'm cursed?

It would explain a lot if I was under some sort of curse. I sure can't live without magic, and there doesn't seem to be magic, and that contradiction... well maybe it's that I'm being blinded, or held off from it somehow? How would I tell if there was some influence preventing me from perceiving or running into magic?

I don't seem able to believe in anything, so maybe that has something to do with it?

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Fear & desire can impact a lot too. Do you really want something magical to happen even if it would mean changing an important aspect of the world? Say you see someone levitate in a open field, you're convinced they've done something "magical." All is well & good for magic; but what sort of position does that put view of gravity? Newborns are afraid of falling, people die every day from the simply taking a wrong step or slipping on something, flight was a fevered dream of mankind for ages. And now, here's someone, without a shred of respect for the laws of nature, floating mid-air like it was nothing!
I can't count the number of times I wasn't prepared for bizarre things to happen to me. I used to shut strange things out, easing my anxiety by either trying to find a scientific explanation (about as well as Star Trek) or shifting into denial. After a while you can eventually learn to take things in stride and be more open to any change, if there's one thing weird stuff can do best, it is to help you keep an open mind.

I know very well what magic is,

Then there's expectations; if something doesn't happen juuust the way it was expected, all sorts of feelings or maybe just laughter springs up. Sure a chemist may be able to turn lead into gold, but is it magic if they do it in a drab lab instead of a lovely light show? There are so many different ways to classify something, that your day could be filled with all sorts of "paranormal" occurrences, yet you still yearn for "magical" events.
I took precognition for granted years before realizing it was something actively sought by fevered stock-market and lottery players. Not to mention stuff like synchonicity or prayer or technology or thoughts or symbols or...

Maybe look into past life regressions. Its a long shot, perhaps

Those can be dangerously misleading I've heard. Hold on...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_memory

I guess this isn't so big a concern though, since I already have false memories. Might be something to consider.

You can probably find a good therapist

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/shok.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/roflmao.gif) Sorry, I'm chronically unemployed, and in the USA. No health care for the likes of us.

find a spiritual master and undergo an initiation

I would love it if I could find an Aikido master. I miss that discipline so much, but there isn't so much as a dance studio around here, much less an aikido dojo. But masters of any sort are very hard to find. I've tried talking with pastors and counselors and such, but it's hard enough to even convince them that something is wrong at all, much less work towards that kind of experience.

Life is magickal - when you really look at it, almost everything happening falls into the category of 'impossible' by any 'sound' reasoning.

How so? Life seems pretty possible to me, considering it's right here in front of me. I think what you mean is that life defies explanation, but that doesn't seem to be the case either. I dunno. If you define magic as air, then there's magic everywhere, but I don't define magic as air.

Fear & desire can impact a lot too. Do you really want something magical to happen even if it would mean changing an important aspect of the world? Say you see someone levitate in a open field, you're convinced they've done something "magical." All is well & good for magic; but what sort of position does that put view of gravity? Newborns are afraid of falling, people die every day from the simply taking a wrong step or slipping on something, flight was a fevered dream of mankind for ages. And now, here's someone, without a shred of respect for the laws of nature, floating mid-air like it was nothing!

That would be so awesome! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) I strongly desire that feeling of uncertainty, that I don't know the big picture and life still has some surprises in it for me. So hard to find it though: no escape since the system is closed.

You want to know what I fear? I fear inevitable doom. I can deal with dying if I walked into it, but the idea that certain things can happen, and indeed everything that happens is pretty much inevitable, the end result unavoidable, that terrifies me to no end. That's the worst fear that breaks through my mental fog sometimes late at night, that no matter how hard I try I'll just die instead of doing what I need to do. I've seen death; I've picked it up and held it in my hands; I've watched it solemnly across a hospital bed, and then in an urn at a funeral. I've not seen magic though, so it leaves me scared to death that I might be doomed never to experience magic, since there's no way it could appear before I die and can't experience anything.

I don't know what that fear would do for or against finding magic. Maybe I search for it too hard? How would searching for it less desperately have any effect though?

trying to find a scientific explanation (about as well as Star Trek) or shifting into denial.

Trying to find an explanation is great, but you start running into problems when you really do find explanations, and there's nothing more left to doubt. Wouldn't that scare you more than the unknown?

Then there's expectations; if something doesn't happen juuust the way it was expected, all sorts of feelings or maybe just laughter springs up. Sure a chemist may be able to turn lead into gold, but is it magic if they do it in a drab lab instead of a lovely light show? There are so many different ways to classify something, that your day could be filled with all sorts of "paranormal" occurrences, yet you still yearn for "magical" events.

Yeah it could. It can work the opposite way too, where your life could be filled with completely banal and mundane occurences, but you consider it all to be magic. It's a dangerous thing to try and achieve something that is poorly defined. It's like trying to hit a moving target.

I probably should do a thread on my definition of magic. It's really simple and specific and uh... impossible. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/doh.gif)

Movies like “What the bleep do we know”

Ack! Beware that movie! Please read this. http://www.intuitor.com/moviephysics/bleep.html[/url]

Brain Washing like “The Landmark Forum” might help.

Yeah, if I want pay $300 to sit in a room and get yelled at for 3 days straight. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)

Click here for information on why that place is a scam http://www.caic.org.au/index.php?option=co...=1243&Itemid=12

Going and doing Yoga at a gym or studio might help.

You know, this is what had me worried that this was a curse. I was trying to get back into my Hatha Yoga with one of those cheap community college classes (real cheap with a fee waiver!). But every time I tried to ground and center, quiet my thoughts and such, I'd have these awful fits of pique where the utter futility and worthlessness of etc etc all came crashing down on me. But only if I tried to meditate. The teacher didn't seem concerned that I had to sit there fighting off a natural trance, instead of joining with the rest of the meditators, but that's cause she was an incompetent boob who should have stuck with teaching fencing. But my reaction to something that should have helped my mental state, along with other strange (yet totally explainable) progressions in my life, gave me the idea that it might not just be me that's the problem. The lack of magic, the lack of serendipity, and how somehow I've ended up in a state of modest comfort with a computer, but no human contact, no career or job prospects, no school to attend nor money to attend it with, no community, no easy way out of town, rotten busses... seems like something is interfering with me, even if that something is a terrible nothing.

If you can, take a long course (5 weeks+) in tarot or some other divination, do what is asked of you.

Where do you find courses for that stuff? I've already stated my opinion about the Tarot deck, but there may be some other methods of divination that would do the trick. http://www.sacred-magick.org/index.php?s=&...indpost&p=34132

Lastly I recommend Big Mind, you can get it in a DVD set or other less legal fashions, three hours and you will be in a different and powerful mindset then you have ever been in your life.

Maybe... I haven't heard of that movie before. Movies don't seem to be as life changing as the substantial stuff you can reach out and grab with your hands though. It's easy to read about how to improve onesself, but most of us already know everything that self help books have to tell us. Anyway, maybe I'll see about finding a torrent... I most certainly don't have cash to spend. Haven't had a job since May, and even that one paid crap (like, 2 hours a day wages).

How would searching for it less desperately have any effect though?

If you approach something with the perspective that something is missing, you will treat it as if something is missing. If it was already happening constantly, you wouldn't be wishing for it to happen, right? So approach everything you want to have happen as if it already is.
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...your life could be filled with completely banal and mundane occurrences, but you consider it all to be magic.

There are times when I truly marvel at the rain. I know very well how it works. But at those moments (not every time it rains, but usually at least the first good rain of the season) if you said it was not Magickal, I would smile and truly pitty your vision of the world. There are other times where if someone said it was magickal I would laugh and think they live in a wonderful little fairly land.

If you consider it something, it will be that; the only ultimate judge of what is and is not, is you. Of course, most people (myself included) find it easy to just copy other people's considerations in a the case of an information vacuum.

I was trying to get back into my Hatha Yoga with one of those cheap community college classes (real cheap with a fee waiver!). But every time I tried to ground and center, quiet my thoughts and such, I'd have these awful fits of pique where the utter futility and worthlessness of etc etc all came crashing down on me. But only if I tried to meditate.

I know I identify a lot with my ability to experience thoughts, it makes meditation a real pain in the neck for I get terrified when sensing thoughts as somehow independent of me, whatever me is. Often I can feel my aversion to meditating because I remember how scared I got the last time. Fortunately, it's decreased the more I've done it as my ego(?) has come to accept it doesn't mean annihilation to just sit around doing nothing.

Movies don't seem to be as life changing as the substantial stuff you can reach out and grab with your hands though.

Just wait until they make full sensory interfaces and perfect 3D printers! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)