No, no, I most certainly did not mean that it is sinful or evil in the eyes of God, but that it is only
labeled as such, based on the human standards of judgment attributed to God, mostly for the purpose of mass social control. Magick puts your own powers, the powers of Nature and the spiritual world in the hands of the practitioner, placing the responsibility of personal evolution and growth in that person's own hands. No one can do it for you. No one can intercede on your behalf. And the divine is meant to be known, to be experienced, not just to be believed in. Do you really think that the church would want people to believe that that kind of personal power and knowledge is ok? Of course not, they would try to stamp it out and have you in fear. People who are afraid are most easily controlled. The more you know God, the more you come to know yourself, your true self, your inner nature, beneath all the masks and illusions we hide behind. Then no one, not even yourself (most importantly yourself), can control you.
You keep bringing up concerns about how God may see you or judge you, and I understand that. However, when someone loves you, truly loves you, that person sees who you really are, beneath everything else. Not only does God see that, but God wants you to see that, especially since that inner nature, that true core of your being, of who you are is forever at one with God. In magick, this is called the Holy Guardian Angel. Union with the Angel, with your own inner, eternal divinity is the goal of magick. To truly know yourself as God knows you, and to then realize that there is and never was any separation between you and the divine.
God gave you intelligence, heart, intuition, desire, etc for a reason, and not to test your obedience to "God's will", or God's will according to man. That leap of faith into the unknown is what you were meant to do.
One of my favorite pieces of inspirational wisdom on this subject comes from a section of the Corpus Hermeticum, Mind Unto Hermes. I hope you don't mind, but I really feel like posting it here, since it's quite relevant.
QUOTE
If, then, thou dost not make thyself like unto God, thou canst not know Him. For like is knowable unto like [alone].
Make, [then,] thyself to grow to the same stature as the Greatness which transcends all measure; leap forth from every body; transcend all time; become Eternity <literally, Aeon>; and [thus] shalt thou know God.
Conceiving nothing is impossible unto thyself, think thyself deathless and able to know all - all arts, all sciences, the way of every life.
Become more lofty than all height, and lower than all depth. Collect into thyself all senses of [all] creatures - of fire, [and] water, dry and moist. Think that thou art at the same time in every place - in earth, in sea, in sky; not yet begotten, in the womb, young, old, [and] dead, in after-death conditions.
And if thou knowest all these things at once - times, places, doings, qualities, and quantities; thou canst know God.
21. But if thou lockest up thy soul within thy body, and dost debase it, saying: I nothing know; I nothing can; I fear the sea; I cannot scale the sky; I know not who I was, who I shall be - what is there [then] between [thy] God and thee?