Uncontrolable Rage Options

Two nights ago I had a dream that doesn't surprise me much, but there are some details about it that elude me in its meaning. Here's how things went: I was in the den up at my grandparents. The den there is in its own little building with a computer on a desk, a TV, and a recliner. Like its real-life counterpart, it was well lit, but there was a few more chairs and furniture in my dream that was scattered about. My grandparents and mother were all here too, and we were walking around, talking to each other (I don't know the topic of discussion). Suddenly, out of the blue, my mother insulted me. I forget what the exact insult was, but it had something to do with me getting my ass kicked and wanting it (this in fact, sounds very much like something she would say).

I turned to her, grit my teeth, and seethed out, "What?" My grandfather just looked at me with a huge grin, fake as ever, and said "I think its funny" or something. My mother, also with a big fake smile, admonished me for my reaction, telling me "Don't talk to me like that." The thing is, it was not a lighthearted joke, even in her presentation. It was a direct insult against me and the others wanted me to just take it with a smile. I exploded, not in anger, but a vehement violent RAGE.

Vague memories started bubbling to the surface of what they were like in normal situations and also of some of the things of what my mother did to me as a kid. I smashed and destroyed all of the furnature with my hands, and as I did so, I started singing a song from KoЯn called Right Now, specifically, the following lyrics:

You open your mouth again,
I swear I'm gonna break it.
You open your mouth again,
Oh God I cannot take it.

Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up or I'll f%*! you up.
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up or I'll f%*! you up.

SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!
SHUT UP OR I'LL f%*! YOU UP!!
SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!
SHUT UP OR I'LL f%*! YOU UP!!

The thing is, I haven't listened to KoЯn in a while. Also, this is SOOO unlike me. I'm normally calm and placid, very much in control of myself, and I also seem to have a calming effect on others. People also often compliment me on how nice I am. But in this dream, I felt more anger and rage than I have ever felt in my life. Everything inside I've bottled up, all the anger and bitterness came tumbling out all at once in this dream. I didn't really want to hurt them though, so I went after the furnature instead and made a mess of things. But there is something else that puzzles me. At the very end, I seemed to be having another dream at the same time. It was simply a picture; a picture of a ledger that contained all of my financial information, account balance, etc.

I think I know what all this means, even the ledger part, but I'd like to see what others think before I give my take on it.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/hmm.gif) I hadn't considered an internal conflict.

I don't think it's a conflict with my feminine sides because it was my mother who insulted me and my grandfather who thought it was funny, not my grandma. My grandmother was present, but she didn't interact with me in the dream, though I do know one of the reasons I was singing those lyrics and it was because of her. She HATES swearing, but she herself is a highly manipulative hypocrite, so I was singing "f-ck f-ck f-ck" just to spite her.

I come from a twice-broken family and my grandparents barely tolerate each other and everyone around them, including their own children. My mother does the same thing only to a greater extreme. And I HAVE given up on them. It will forever go unresolved because of the way they all conduct themselves.

My take on it is I can't stand this masquerade. I seem to have two natures: one is very calm and mellow, and the other is extremely energetic and excitable. In either case I typically have a smile on my face. My mother can't stand the energetic side of me, so I constantly have to surpress it or suffer her wrath. She also doesn't like my natural happiness either, so I adopted at a young age a stone face that is expressionless and I wear it like a mask when I'm around her, because I'm usually yelled at for ANY strong show of emotion-- especially anger.

I pretty much have to do the same thing with the rest of my family too, but for different reasons. My aunts, uncles, and grandparents will ritualistically show each other affection out of obligation during holidays, but get us all in the same room at the same time, and you can cut the tension in the air with a chainsaw. Occasionally one of us will insult the other and an arguement will insue, but in my family, if your elders insult you, you are just supposed to take it without saying a word. My mother exercises this "right" on a regular basis. If I talk back or turn her words around against her, she threatens to kick me out of the house, dispite that I don't have my ID yet.

All in all, my take on it is this dream is an expression of all my pent-up anger towards my mother and grandparents-- the fake show of affection out of obligation, the hypocracy, the having to take the verbal abuse without a word, the constant pretending, etc. The ledger overlaying the last part of my dream represents the fact I don't have the financial means right now to escape. Right now, this is my current take on it, but I'll still consider other interpretations as well.

(And yeah, I've got a lot of issues I want to resolve.)