Uncontrolable Rage Options

Two nights ago I had a dream that doesn't surprise me much, but there are some details about it that elude me in its meaning. Here's how things went: I was in the den up at my grandparents. The den there is in its own little building with a computer on a desk, a TV, and a recliner. Like its real-life counterpart, it was well lit, but there was a few more chairs and furniture in my dream that was scattered about. My grandparents and mother were all here too, and we were walking around, talking to each other (I don't know the topic of discussion). Suddenly, out of the blue, my mother insulted me. I forget what the exact insult was, but it had something to do with me getting my ass kicked and wanting it (this in fact, sounds very much like something she would say).

I turned to her, grit my teeth, and seethed out, "What?" My grandfather just looked at me with a huge grin, fake as ever, and said "I think its funny" or something. My mother, also with a big fake smile, admonished me for my reaction, telling me "Don't talk to me like that." The thing is, it was not a lighthearted joke, even in her presentation. It was a direct insult against me and the others wanted me to just take it with a smile. I exploded, not in anger, but a vehement violent RAGE.

Vague memories started bubbling to the surface of what they were like in normal situations and also of some of the things of what my mother did to me as a kid. I smashed and destroyed all of the furnature with my hands, and as I did so, I started singing a song from KoЯn called Right Now, specifically, the following lyrics:

You open your mouth again,
I swear I'm gonna break it.
You open your mouth again,
Oh God I cannot take it.

Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up or I'll f%*! you up.
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up or I'll f%*! you up.

SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!
SHUT UP OR I'LL f%*! YOU UP!!
SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!
SHUT UP OR I'LL f%*! YOU UP!!

The thing is, I haven't listened to KoЯn in a while. Also, this is SOOO unlike me. I'm normally calm and placid, very much in control of myself, and I also seem to have a calming effect on others. People also often compliment me on how nice I am. But in this dream, I felt more anger and rage than I have ever felt in my life. Everything inside I've bottled up, all the anger and bitterness came tumbling out all at once in this dream. I didn't really want to hurt them though, so I went after the furnature instead and made a mess of things. But there is something else that puzzles me. At the very end, I seemed to be having another dream at the same time. It was simply a picture; a picture of a ledger that contained all of my financial information, account balance, etc.

I think I know what all this means, even the ledger part, but I'd like to see what others think before I give my take on it.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) Slayden I think you should reread what you just said and reconsider my interpretation.

Here's what I mean by internal conflict and you spelled it out clear as day:

My take on it is I can't stand this masquerade. I seem to have two natures: one is very calm and mellow, and the other is extremely energetic and excitable.

Ever hear the saying we become our parents? What you said there is a very clear conflict within yourself. now by conflict I don't mean two armies ripping eachother to shreds and turning the wake of the combat into no man's land. Just that aspects you adopted from your mother that ultimately evolved you to who you are today are in conflict with your male nature. While the saying "we become our parents" has merit its not entirely true. Being male you are not you mother and you have a masculine nature that conflicts with hers. Its probably partially why she was attracted to your father..... but thats a can of worms we should probably save for another topic. Regardless you have adopted certain characteristics of hers within yourself and perhaps you really don't like those qualities. Dreams really do reflect our innerselves and sometimes they do it more so than reflect whats going on around us.

You describe yourself in a dualistic pattern -

Now consider the way you described your mother and grand mother as both also can play into this. Your mother and grand mother have the "edler's right" to say what they want to you. Its a control issue with your mom, probably something she developed from her mother as well. And I think it might underscore their pressumably victorian roots. Yet this very nature can be expressed in yourself as well. Consider that perhaps your mellow and calm nature supresses your energetic and excitable side, to an extent, much the same way your mother shuts you down whenever you try to have your say in an arguement. I am not saying that your calm side is "bad". There is no good or bad. Just the way things are. If you become aware of those things you can change them.

While you might not be able to resolve every issue with your family, the resolution does not need to come from them. You can find resolution to this conflict by working to embrace your energetic side and perhaps explore desires that may have been supressed by your calm side. By allowing yourself to express this masculine side, you validate; give it no reason to "rage" inside your dreams or fester and boil over into an outburst of anger in real life.

I don't think it's a conflict with my feminine sides because it was my mother who insulted me and my grandfather who thought it was funny, not my grandma. My grandmother was present, but she didn't interact with me in the dream, though I do know one of the reasons I was singing those lyrics and it was because of her. She HATES swearing, but she herself is a highly manipulative hypocrite, so I was singing "f-ck f-ck f-ck" just to spite her.

This helps to articulate what I mean. Your grandmother represents a feminine part of your personality, your ego. You dropping F-bombs left and right to piss her off is an expression of your masculine side attempting to find validation. And you will not get that through your real mother or grandmother, at least not in the way you might think. But you yourself can validate this part of your being. And of course your mother will still make you angry and its probably safe to say you will make her mad too. As long as you express such anger through a positive outlet you will validate your masculine side and not do what your mother does and just show no emotion.

This post has been edited by Acid09: May 5 2008, 04:57 PM