The Path, ramblings about life and the mind... and me Options

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The path is rough, its insane, I don't really think it exists. Its just a construct of the mind for survival purposes, yet when you question existence in all its insanity and come to the conclusion that there is no purpose or grand scheme of things you become this blimp floating about aimlessly. You can't even call it an anomaly because in respect it is the norm. Yet I still hold this construct in my mind. There is a path that I journey on and where it leads to is the destination, the end, but destination also carries with it the the definition of.....
1. The place to which one is going or directed.
2. The ultimate purpose for which something is created or intended.
3. Archaic An act of appointing or setting aside for a specific purpose.
The path is life and on that path is all things, everything! but its impossible to get the most out of everything so some things just get left aside while drifting on by never knowing if that was the key to understanding the truth of existence.
Imagine it for a moment, its easy, you are it! forget about how you interact with 'reality' because that is a form of manipulation, just absorb the information that surrounds you and contemplate on the nature of things and you might be amazed, surprised, you might even be terrified. I won't lie to you, this 'reality', this life terrifies me! Really try and understand the how and why. In a word, its due to awareness. The fact that I am alive and aware of my own existence, the fact that I am aware of the existence of others, the world, stars, suns, the universe. Its just so daunting. What is this place! no one can answer me with certainty, why should anyone care, about the answer, about me, about yourself. Why do we in the face of oblivion remain steadfast, upholding chosen values and morals.
It is a beautiful thing but what does it mean, it could simply be that certain ways of 'living' provide more comfort than others and so we choose justice over injustice. But what is comfort good for, what will it mean when the universe is no more or simply your own life.
Why is it we have universal laws like gravity, and why do the planets spin.... yeh we can know how, but why. hahahah its completely insane.
Lets say a being so great called God said I was created for a purpose and given a mind for a purpose and my life, this reality that I am aware of was a test, it would still not leave one completely satisfied, how could it, how can satisfaction be attained when its part of the insanity. There really is no escape. Funny thing is, I don't want to escape, I want to conquer. I am the one trampled on by my lack of understanding of this existence and baring in mind that when my body/mind finally gives way and I am no more, void, no mind no thought no awareness of anything then life become more of a challenge, and more desperate. Death is failure. Survival is the only option and yet I know not why I live. If I found the elixir of life and consumed it, never succumbing to death what would that do but perpetuate the insanity. Would I rather live a life of insanity or not live atall. Well I'm alive now so its pretty obvious that I would choose to live, but if I were never born I would never know anything to be able or want to choose. This is where I come back to awareness.
I feel like crawling up in a ball and crying and whats sadder is i'd rather not do that, it gets me nowhere. Where can I go, the path is a tool to get you places but where can you go.......
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Someone out there must be like me, at a complete loss for words, unable to comprehend the magnitude of life.
I came to the occult when I was younger to find answers to life but have found nothing of substance or forgot them.
Can I be helped.... if I can't help myself am I doomed?

my koans (ideas to meditate on) on the path:

mountain - mountain is earth, and earth is mountain, no distinction

path (magical) - the path is about letting go and being led, not going anywhere for yourself

of course my way is all zen and gooey with past-lives, as it is about moving the awareness to the eternal soul from the physical existence