Somebody Please Help Me, Help Options

Hello, this is one of my last attempts to find the answers I have been searching for; here is my story:

Ever since I was younger there has always been something different about me, one of those things you can just feel. There are points and times in my life that I have no memory of yet my long term memory serves me quite well. I have always been smart, intuitive, a fast learner and very quick at adapting. I have memories or dreams of lives that are not my own. I have always been a very nocturnal person, but the day time serves as no real obstacle for me. I am a people person and a social butterfly, hell, I’m a social network of butterflies lol. My clairvoyance seems to be above the normal déjà vu. When thinking about somebody, it is not at all unlikely for them to call, text, or show up. I can read people very well, and most have no problem opening up to me; it is as if they don’t have a choice. My personality is that of an extrovert, I draw most of my energy from others around me, but I have no problem with a supply of my own. It as if I am feeding from it somewhere whether it is around me or not, and to top it off I can go extremely long periods of time without food. I am very good at manipulation though I try to catch myself in the act. I have a history of lucid dreaming and night terrors. I was born catholic, raised Baptist, and now being 20 I have learned to think for myself and accept and respect everyone’s views weather we agree on them or not. When I was younger I would have strange dreams apart from the others dreams that I couldn’t quite explain. When I was in my early teens I tampered with magic not understanding the full extent of it. I think I opened something in me, something that made me stronger, made me more, but it terrified me and I performed one last spell to lock it away behind a wooden framed door with a skeleton keyhole in my mind. I became skeptical and over the years things went back to normal. But in the past year maybe two it’s like something is stirring inside me; crawling through my veins. One other thing, even in the years that things died down again, the full moon has always fascinated me and it makes me crave, it makes me feel odd, and it makes me feel alive. Crave what, you may ask, but I do not know the answer to that question. Though often feels as if I need to feed off of energy, or some sort of power source, I tend to be more active on the fool moon, and I tend to stay around people or music that makes me feel well energized.

I have searched high and low for answers, but maybe I’m not looking deep enough or maybe I just can’t figure it out. So, I am here as a cry for help. I don’t know who, or what I am. I have explored many fields, but I have never asked.

If you need any other information then ask.

A few things you should know.

I was born September 23, 1989. The 23rd of that month falls on the traditional zodiac calendar of the Libra, Virgo cusp.

I believe my animal is the wolf, or at least that’s what a few tests have told me and it is also my favorite animal.

I care about the earth and nature almost as if it were a person

One of my elements is air I believe, and I’m not sure of the other

I have never believed in Candle magick, not that it doesn’t work, just that it does not for me.

I have a very strong belief in my opinions, beliefs, and morals

I have a very deep history, though I do not know a lot about it.

I have an adaptive personality.

Lastly, I am able to do this thing that feels as if I am pulsating my entire body, or as if a surge is going through it. All I have to do is focus on doing it or have my eyes on a focal point.

Anything else, then you might just have to ask and I will do my best to answer with all my knowledge.

IF you have reached the end of this then thank you for listening and I really hope to hear from somebody soon.

Thank you,
Nick

I would to start off by saying thank you to all those with helpful advice. Secondly, I would like to put a warning out there to those of you who jumped to conclusions, brought slander, and those who chose to categorize me. Many people everyday reach out for help, and many of those need it. The way you interact with them can be on a detrimental scale of life and death; the smallest thing can unbalance any scale. To the one who invited me to leave, I would like to invite you to your silence. This was a message that I wrote, reaching out to a collective community and you decided to answer. To those who do not see the meaning behind the information I provided, I am sorry. My search has no real steady path, only a question I hope to find the answer to. Therefore, what ever information that I provided was information that I thought may be beneficial, and none of it pointed in any real directions. A few responses decided to point out flaws or speculations about myself or my message, and I am sad to say that two of you have further proven a point to myself that the human race cares more about itself individually rather than collectively.

To the one that expressed to me to find myself, I am a very open person and I am also, for the most part, in tune with myself. I am me and I live everyday like that. I will continue to study my experiences and I will continue to be an individual. I do not believe in labels because nobody falls under a cingle category.

To the person who basically believes that I feel as if I am more than what I am, and that seek approval through confirmation of others, well honestly im tired of typing in a non confrontational way though I will keep it pg. You can take you psycho analysis bull and shove it somewhere. I've heard enough of that and I've had my fare share of life despite how young I am, and despite the constant need for adults to feel as if they no more about life than youth.

Anyway thank you to those who care, and I will continue to research, and I do hope that there are those who will be here to guide and support me.

Thank You,

Nicholas

If anyone has any questions please message me. Again, thank you.

Alright, let me take a crack at this.

First of all, Nicose, I'm sorry that you felt attacked by the membership here, but try to understand that we get a lot of people - of a wide range of ages - who come in hoping that other people will engage them in their fantasies so that they can have a sense of "Well i'm not special in my real life, so maybe I can be special to a bunch of people who don't know me". Being that this forum was founded on and is largely engaged by serious occultists for whom this 'activity' is a lifestyle, I'm sure you can understand how frustrating it is. There are certain earmarks and red flags that make these people stand out and I'm afraid you just tripped a few of them off.

Now, I'm not sure what kind of community you live in, or what kind of family and friends you've had growing up, so its possible that you just haven't encountered anyone else with a personality like yours. Absent a frame of reference for human experiences of this variety, it's easy for a person to take them and suddenly have life altering questions. Most of us have similar reactions when we very first encounter some occult experience. Some of us also had not sounding board of any kind - especially in the days before the 'net, or for those of us that started very, very young - so I sympathize with the sense of being lost and having unanswered questions.

I hate to use a word like normal, but taken in a very grand context, everything that you've given us so far suggests that you're within the limits of normal human experience. Normal from the point of view of the entire breadth of that range of experience, which most thoughtful occultists and magicians will typically use as a guideline of judgement. It sounds to me like you're just on the more non-physical side of the spectrum. Some people focus entirely on purely physical experiences, and as a result develop into a reality where there are only physical stimuli available to their senses and their consciousness. They think they are normal and we are abnormal. On the flip side there are people who are extremely non-physically centered, who only experience stimuli from their own mind and from the less physical side of reality - those people you would call crazy, and they don't fit very well into society. To me it sounds like you are still within that range of experiences, most people are not people of extremes.

You're probably just naturally open to these kinds of experiences. I'm not suggesting you're entirely un-special - but everyone has their place in the range of humanness, and it sounds like you're starting to figure out where yours is.

To be fair, you did ask this question:

Given the details, can anyone give me any information on what I might be, or point me in a direction that could help me find out?

That question bugs most everyone here, because that question is asking for a label. If you didn't subscribe to labels and didn't want to be labelled, you wouldn't have asked a question like that. Let me just answer it be saying, you're still a perfectly imperfect human, nothing more and nothing less. What you need to do now is redefine for yourself what a human is, because whatever idea of humanity you have doesn't match your experience, and that's not because you have the correct definition of human and fall outside of it, it means your definition is limited.

When I was in my early teens I tampered with magic not understanding the full extent of it. I think I opened something in me, something that made me stronger, made me more, but it terrified me and I performed one last spell to lock it away behind a wooden framed door with a skeleton keyhole in my mind. I became skeptical and over the years things went back to normal. But in the past year maybe two it’s like something is stirring inside me; crawling through my veins.

If you read over this objectively I think you can see where it might give some of us a sense of drama, so be fair to us too.

That said, it sounds to me like you probably violated your paradigm at the time. In simple terms, you did something you weren't supposed to be doing, according to the rules set down by your gods since your birth (parents), and in so doing freed yourself momentarily from the dogma that had ruled your psyche until that point. It did make you stronger, and it did make you more than you were - it made you more free, it strengthened your sense of independence and selfhood. That may not sound fantastic or exciting, but it is the essence of magical power. You acted in that outside frame of mind to divest yourself of that scary sense of self-empowerment (and all the trouble that your old paradigm informs you will come of it), and go back to the safe reality you had before, where there are guidelines and laws that dictate who you are instead of requiring self-definition. That's fine, lots of people have that experience in different ways and don't recognize what it is or what is happening. Now you're craving that experience that you had before because again you want to take the next step into selfhood and true freedom. I'm glad that you are, instead of letting that one experience be the end of it, which it often is for many people. It can feel like it's under your skin, boring a hole through your brain, itching to get out of you. Because part of you wants to be free.

I can read people very well, and most have no problem opening up to me; it is as if they don’t have a choice. My personality is that of an extrovert, I draw most of my energy from others around me, but I have no problem with a supply of my own. It as if I am feeding from it somewhere whether it is around me or not, and to top it off I can go extremely long periods of time without food.

The part people opening up as if they don't have a choice is a MAJOR red flag for us. Usually that kind of talk is a hint for onlookers to hook on to and say "Oh, oh, you must be controlling people's behavior!" But fact is, I'm one of those people too. I have an open personality, I never mind sitting down and talking to anyone, and I don't mind when people vent on me - and all of that shows through my behavior with subtle body language clues in my interactions with people. Now people obviously don't read body language consciously most of the time, so they're not seeing the signs and thinking "Oh, i can talk to this guy", they're just in a place where they need to open up to someone and for 'some reason' I put them at ease and it all just comes pouring out. Then they apologize for taking up my time and gushing like that - they do this because it's common place in 'polite society', not because they snap out of a glamour or something, they're not really sorry at all; they're relieved because that stuff needed to come out and they needed the attention and energy at that moment. I don't mind because I have near limitless energy to give.

Energy comes from people, from food, from self-confidence and faith, from the sun, from the air we breath, and from body chemistry. And that's just a short list of things we all encounter. Having lots of energy is not unusual - having very little energy is unusual. I have taken a 40 day fast before, nothing but water and a very small slice of unlevened bread. I had some fantastic experiences at the end of it - and on and off for the last half of it too - (and I lost like 20 pounds). Humans can go a very long time without eating under the right conditions. Now, if you were working hard labor, going to the gym every other day, and raising children, you would find that you cannot go quite as long without food. With variations in metabolism, some people can go longer than others. Some people have to eat every day, or they will go into a coma.

That you can read people well probably means your a good communicator. That's excellent, but again not entirely worth noting in context to the aforementioned question

Given the details, can anyone give me any information on what I might be, or point me in a direction that could help me find out?

Though often feels as if I need to feed off of energy, or some sort of power source, I tend to be more active on the fool moon, and I tend to stay around people or music that makes me feel well energized.

So on the full moon you feel more of a craving for activity. I know this feeling very well, and I used to think about energy and 'feeding on it' very differently than I do now. But the full moon not only has a tidal affect which influences all living things in some way, not always the same way, it is also deeply rooted into our collective personality as a symbol of activity, dynamism, growth, cycles, etc. Everyone is fascinated by the moon, it's what she does to us. Sounds like she inspires partying in you.

Lastly:

I am able to do this thing that feels as if I am pulsating my entire body, or as if a surge is going through it. All I have to do is focus on doing it or have my eyes on a focal point.

Go do this while checking your blood pressure. If you can sustain it for some time you'll find that your pressure can go through the roof. I don't know if this is the same thing for you as it is for me, honestly, but for me it started out as a series of simultaneous fine muscle contractions throughout my trunk (you feel it in your arms and legs too, but the contractions are in the torso) that affected the pressures in my body in a subtle way. If you hold it long enough you'll get dizzy and maybe even pass out - I suspect it is unhealthy. However, I used that particular physical experience to learn how to do a similar action energetically, which is my 'focus' when I work with any kind of sustained energy. What you are describing sounds exactly like what I have experienced. This is probably the most uncommon element of your whole story, only because most people do not try to figure out just what they can control in their bodies. There is no such thing as a purely autonomic muscle, you can contract any muscle in your body consciously - including your heart - with practice. Of course, whether you should or not is a worthwhile question.

So, my conclusion for you, and the answer to the question you did most certainly ask, is that you are a particular variety of homo sapiens. Possibly a variety called to the occult in the way that many of us are, and it sounds to me like a confused variety, and with good reason. Breaking away from old paradigms, entering a new reality where things work differently and mean different concepts, where information is sometimes backwards entirely from what we knew before, can be confusing, even terrifying. And for most of us it feels at first like it is entirely abnormal so no one can fault you for wondering what is going on with you. For most it becomes hyper natural over time, and we start to think that the other way was the abnormal way the whole time.

Start exploring for yourself, start reading with and open mind and without holding on too tightly to what you find, never ignore your experiences, but never put them on a pedestal and get distracted by them either. The human being is a far more fascinating creature than most of them give themselves credit for, and that is a very sad way to live as one.

peace