Strange Energy Source, within and without me. Options

First of all, I would like to start this with: RIP Bym, you will be missed.

Now to the actual post. I've been at tennis camp for two weeks. My life has absolutely SUCKED these past two weeks (my friend committed suicide, I had to end a relationship and I got in a couple fights over similar things and my confidence in the value of humanity has been lowered), so I haven't slept well. Well I kind of looked around inside myself for energy and came upon something. It was in my stomach - not my abdominal area, specifically my stomach. It was kind of a shifting blackness at first, encased in a barrier of flesh. Then I recognized an arm and eyes turned to face me. I recognized an energy so I harmonized with it for a little - I let its darkness fill me and got the image of it releasing out of my stomach and moving its arms and legs so that they match where mine are, my veins filling with a black substance and me getting energy from darkness. It didn't make me feel bad, just extremely energized - I felt refreshed. When I was done with it it went back into my stomach without a fight and immediately instead of regular flesh like it had been the barrier became radiant, like it was a wall of light. Later, after I had gone home I got searing pain to the abdomen. I don't mean a cramp - I know what that feels like. I mean it felt just like... compression. It felt like my innards were exploding. No, I have not had digestive problems - and, once again, I know what that feels like. I immediately knew certain things about it - such as that it was a separate being that was inside of me, not my own darkness and that it would serve me very well in a fight - it would make me merciless and enraged if I needed it.

Which brings me to another topic which I think might be related; my anger. Whenever I get angry I lost control. Not like I just do whatever and shirk responsibility for my actions by saying i couldn't control myself, but I do things that I couldn't normally do. A year ago this girl in my grade was throwing stuff at me for no reason and hit me with a metal spoon. She'd already been annoying me that day so I just lost it. I literally stood up and yelled, in these exact words: "Shut up, I don't like you!!" and she ran away and cried. The people who witnessed it were talking to the teacher after and said they were actually scared when I did it. I get totally enraged and merciless when I'm angry; if that girl had been closer I would have broken something on her without a doubt (come to think of it, I rather wish I had (IMG:style_emoticons/default/hmm.gif) ). There have been other instances like this throughout the years, and they only occur when somebody makes me angry enough that I just lose control and some other force comes through me to express it. That's my second stage of anger. In my first I just become cold and merciless and usually reduce people to tears without making physical (or sometimes even verbal) contact. If it's with words, I don't insult them, but I seem to become aware of every emotional and psychological weakness they have and then exploit it. Needless to say, I realized about five years ago that this anger was impractical for petty use and I keep it in check; it takes time and effort to make me angry, but when you do, one of those two things happens. Both of them are things I couldn't ordinarily do; I am NOT an intimidating person, or a smart one. Neither of these is congruent with my personality, and now that I think about it when I go into those rages the energy that fills me when they happen is the same type as what happens when I call on the thing inside me. And the worst is: once I build up a grudge against a person (not something I do lightly) any thought of hurting them has a sickening temptation to it, like I want to go do it as soon as the image is in my head. Yet again, this has no congruency with my real personality.


Thanks for reading that, I know it was really long.

Any thoughts? I feel a little (IMG:style_emoticons/default/insane.gif) on the subject.

If you want my honest opinion, I would say you probably feel inadequate or powerless in some way (likely related to how much your life has sucked lately), and as a defense mechanism have led yourself to believe you have special "dark" powers. Your defense of your anger in calling it terrifying rather than disproportionate makes it seem less like you want help and more like you're... perhaps proud of it.

I don't intend this as an insult; I bring it up because I feel things similarly to you, and I know my "problems" are because I felt... unimpressive. My life had sucked; my relationships to both my friends and girlfriend had ended; I was low.

To make myself seem more powerful, I made some mistakes; I've had a fascination with places, people, and things relating to death and violence. Thus my initial attraction to "black magic" and necromancy. When that didn't work, I turned to various crimes in an attempt to feel "hardcore." All it got me was time out in a very little room.

I don't know if this sounds like you or not, but it might be something to consider when/if you meditate or have some time alone. I turned my life around when I realized that anger, no matter how intimidating, is never more useful than a calm and reasoned approach. In aforesaid life of crime, the people who got angry were the ones I saw get caught or hurt - because getting angry at something is letting that something control you.

You'd be surprised how few drug deals go bad if you're polite and not confrontational. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/13.gif)

This post has been edited by Vilhjalmr: Jun 24 2010, 10:32 PM

If you want my honest opinion, I would say you probably feel inadequate or powerless in some way (likely related to how much your life has sucked lately), and as a defense mechanism have led yourself to believe you have special "dark" powers. Your defense of your anger in calling it terrifying rather than disproportionate makes it seem less like you want help and more like you're... perhaps proud of it.

I don't intend this as an insult; I bring it up because I feel things similarly to you, and I know my "problems" are because I felt... unimpressive.

Thus my initial attraction to "black magic" and necromancy.

anger, no matter how intimidating, is never more useful than a calm and reasoned approach.

You'd be surprised how few drug deals go bad if you're polite and not confrontational. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/13.gif)

First: Inadequate, powerless and unimpressive are not words that apply to me in any way (not trying to sound egotistical, but I have skills - I have nothing to feel inadequate, powerless or unimpressive about)... I set my own standards and I always meet them.

Second: My life doesn't suck anymore. Seriously, it all cleared up at 11:52 PM last night. And the energy method I mentioned still works.

Third: I don't mean that I have some special dark power, I'm wondering if I'm possessed or something - there's some sort of malevolent presence in my house, and I was wondering if it was messing with me and I was going to get really messed up from it.

Fourth: I have never had any wish to perform any act that affects any undeserving people negatively (whether people on here like it or not, I put black magick in that category) and I find necromancy gross... not because of the whole ridiculous corpse revulsion thing, but because I've felt the energy of the dead and it's just uncomfortable to me... I practice elemental magick and defend the earth with it if I use it for anything other than calling up a nice breeze.

Fifth: I didn't mean to sound proud of it (I'm quite the opposite, actually, however useful it is in a fight), it IS terrifying... most people can't make people run away and sob in a corner without making physical contact or telling them anything worse than to be quiet and that you don't like them (something she already knew). It IS terrifying.

Sixth: Like I said, I realized that it was useless and impractical to have happen all the time, so I chilled myself out.

Seventh: Don't do drugs, they kill people - even some who don't take them. A stray bullet doesn't discriminate.