Meditations, Questions. Options

I've been at a static place in my spiritual life as of late. I've realized if you decide to believe in a creator you must then believe in a creator that created the creator, furthermore if you have a single question about the universe the answer results in more questions. Poetically I've put it: It's a creator all the way up and a questions all the way down universe. My stasis is in effect because of the "why," why call down spirits and use talent brashly? Why heal the sick? Apathy is a magician's nightmare. I'm wondering why you all do it.

In my meditations I've yet to find any external source of thought for my spirit, when I'm completely out of body there is no way for my spirit to think freely in it's own accord. I become like a bird, a thoughtless creature fleeting from place to place. When I contemplate death I often wonder about this, the spirit becoming a thoughtless bird, with habits acquired from every physical encounter. I've wondered if it would be at all possible to build an external brain for the spirit to use, a physical shell for the spirit to latch on to much like the end of liber null by peter caroll, in regards to selective reincarnation. Though selective reincarnation also begs the question, "why." Is this frame of reality so enticing? As much as I enjoy life, I don't see why I'd outwardly seek to re-live this strange phenomena after this time.

Another of my findings in meditation: As powerful as thought can be it doesn't come close to the strength and vigor of feeling. The energy produced and retained by the body comes and goes as thought does, it's fleeting and difficult to maintain without constant thinking or meditation. Lots of meditation practice is to focus on an idea or object unchanging, which proves to be incredibly difficult, Crowley himself said the record for time for this practice was approx three minutes (if memory serves me correctly). My point is, if thought has anything to do with maintaining energy and there's no external thought source for the spirit then ultimately all possible mental retentions of the disciplines of energy work are erased or at least retained like 'muscle memory' in the spirit but muscle memory goes after time too. Feeling, true feeling with the heart is something I've found to be difficult to erase even in the long term, it's an energy with a huge half-life which may explain why Egyptians made the heart the thinking organ.

I'm wondering if any of you have had similar or contrary experiences, I'd like to hear them.

Well the only comment I really have is the one about the creator making the creator making the creator to infinity. I think considering that a creator (or THE creator would always exist). That's what I believe anyway. Time is an interesting subject.

Well the only comment I really have is the one about the creator making the creator making the creator to infinity. I think considering that a creator (or THE creator would always exist). That's what I believe anyway. Time is an interesting subject.

This tells me you don't exactly understand what I'm saying. That's fine, you may or may not get there in time. It seems either my writing is unintelligible or my frame of mind is.