Meditations, Questions. Options

I've been at a static place in my spiritual life as of late. I've realized if you decide to believe in a creator you must then believe in a creator that created the creator, furthermore if you have a single question about the universe the answer results in more questions. Poetically I've put it: It's a creator all the way up and a questions all the way down universe. My stasis is in effect because of the "why," why call down spirits and use talent brashly? Why heal the sick? Apathy is a magician's nightmare. I'm wondering why you all do it.

In my meditations I've yet to find any external source of thought for my spirit, when I'm completely out of body there is no way for my spirit to think freely in it's own accord. I become like a bird, a thoughtless creature fleeting from place to place. When I contemplate death I often wonder about this, the spirit becoming a thoughtless bird, with habits acquired from every physical encounter. I've wondered if it would be at all possible to build an external brain for the spirit to use, a physical shell for the spirit to latch on to much like the end of liber null by peter caroll, in regards to selective reincarnation. Though selective reincarnation also begs the question, "why." Is this frame of reality so enticing? As much as I enjoy life, I don't see why I'd outwardly seek to re-live this strange phenomena after this time.

Another of my findings in meditation: As powerful as thought can be it doesn't come close to the strength and vigor of feeling. The energy produced and retained by the body comes and goes as thought does, it's fleeting and difficult to maintain without constant thinking or meditation. Lots of meditation practice is to focus on an idea or object unchanging, which proves to be incredibly difficult, Crowley himself said the record for time for this practice was approx three minutes (if memory serves me correctly). My point is, if thought has anything to do with maintaining energy and there's no external thought source for the spirit then ultimately all possible mental retentions of the disciplines of energy work are erased or at least retained like 'muscle memory' in the spirit but muscle memory goes after time too. Feeling, true feeling with the heart is something I've found to be difficult to erase even in the long term, it's an energy with a huge half-life which may explain why Egyptians made the heart the thinking organ.

I'm wondering if any of you have had similar or contrary experiences, I'd like to hear them.

I find that your meditation is very much on verge of immortality vs mortality. Firstly is apathy really the magician's nightmare? Apathy, I think is not an enviable state for any person at all, but let's not confuse caring about utilizing power. Utilizing power has long term benefits and deficits, caring is never wrong. Life, it has power, unique power, as great disdain as I think any real mystic has for this existence the fact that power is so readily available here can't be denied, in fact, this world teems with power of all sort and nature.

Which leads, I guess, into your idea that feeling is more powerful than thought. Something I would say is mostly entirely false, feeling is one of the primary states of influence that exists in the this time, however thoughts, or more accurately, visualization/positive affirmation is another of of the primary influences. Make sure to check whether your feeling is overwhelming you and also that the feeling is totally "sober" because there's no difference in power, rather the difference lies in who you are and what you do.