Crazy.Really crazy or just troubled? Options

I don't know anymore...Am I crazy? I have these totally weird outbursts that doesn't match with the person I think I am. I am bitter sometimes, so bitter that I am scared of the things I say. I am trying to protect myself and I just end up with me saying horrible things to people that doesn't deserve that. Sometimes I think I am a queen, a great human being, the best...After that, I can see that I was stupid, and I apologize. I want to believe that I am on the right way, that I am learning lessons, but...
I'm scared.
What if I am just a horrible person? What if I am just living to hurt others?
On the other way, if I am asking myself these questions, I may be, in some degree, aware of what I should and should not say and do. Maybe I am just confused. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tn_dizzy002.gif) Maybe there is a way for me to become what I want to be. How I want to be.
I am scared of competition, and I react violently. I am afraid that people will make fun of me, will gossip about me, and make me feel bad. I am paranoid. Borderline personality...I found my simptoms among others in a 'Mental Health and Psychology dictionary'. Anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, histrionic personality..and another five mental disorders.
I wanna scream. Just go somewhere where nobody can see or hear me, and scream my anger out in the universe. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/help.gif) I am pathetic, sad person. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/cry_.gif) What am I doing here, anyway? I don't belong here, among you, those interested in occult. What if I am here just because I have problems dealing with this reality? I am not adapted to society.
I am just sad.Though I am not lonely..weird, hugh? I have some friends, and I am torturing them.
Why? Because I think I deserve everything, and I am sure that everyone tries to hurt me. I really must understand that I am nobody. Nobody cares watta' f%*! I am doing or thinking. I am only one from billions. I do not matter.
And, above all, I am my only friend. So, why am I hurting myself, too?
The simplest answer will be that I am exagerating. The more complex one...I suffer of many personality disorders, I am crazy and I should go somewhere to treat myself.

I am glad I am not the only one angry, Mediocracy, but what about meditation? What about trying to sit down, breathe and not thinking ? Can you be furious when you are doing that? What about peace and serenity? Should I let the anger conquer me? Should I fight it? Should I not care?

I can only tell you about my personal experiences. I have been angry for a very long time. I have had this anger inside and not been able to understand it or deal with it. It, in part, caused my marriage to end because of my depression. I have tried drugs, I have tried drink, I have tried magick... and none of it helped me recognise the anger for what it really is.

I have turned to Zen Buddhism because it makes sense to me. The anger does not really exist, it cannot be pointed at, and yet it still (for me) exists. In Zen terms I am polishing the mirror, a very dusty mirror.

Zazen is not serenity. It has the external appearance of a man sitting quietly. Inside the mind os in turmoil, fighting, chaos ensues, and yet the external appearance remains calm. In time I will still the waters of my mind, but this is no quick fix.

I practice the 5 precepts. I embrace compassion. It is very difficult for someone like me who has held within them this anger for such a long time, and yet for me it is the path I must walk. If it means I have to walk this path alone then so be it. I glimpsed a better life once, just for a brief time, a life of sharing with another person all that life is. It is this that keeps me going, the experience I hold on too even in the darkest moments.

The anger you feel will poison you. It will poison your relationships with others. It will build walls around you. I would urge you to let go of this anger before it ruins your experience of life. I am not trying to convert you to Buddhism, if you look at the message of christ you will see at the core of it all a message of compassion. I am a long way from dealing with my anger, but I have taken the first faltering steps on the path. I wish you luck with your journey.