Crazy.Really crazy or just troubled? Options

I don't know anymore...Am I crazy? I have these totally weird outbursts that doesn't match with the person I think I am. I am bitter sometimes, so bitter that I am scared of the things I say. I am trying to protect myself and I just end up with me saying horrible things to people that doesn't deserve that. Sometimes I think I am a queen, a great human being, the best...After that, I can see that I was stupid, and I apologize. I want to believe that I am on the right way, that I am learning lessons, but...
I'm scared.
What if I am just a horrible person? What if I am just living to hurt others?
On the other way, if I am asking myself these questions, I may be, in some degree, aware of what I should and should not say and do. Maybe I am just confused. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tn_dizzy002.gif) Maybe there is a way for me to become what I want to be. How I want to be.
I am scared of competition, and I react violently. I am afraid that people will make fun of me, will gossip about me, and make me feel bad. I am paranoid. Borderline personality...I found my simptoms among others in a 'Mental Health and Psychology dictionary'. Anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, histrionic personality..and another five mental disorders.
I wanna scream. Just go somewhere where nobody can see or hear me, and scream my anger out in the universe. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/help.gif) I am pathetic, sad person. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/cry_.gif) What am I doing here, anyway? I don't belong here, among you, those interested in occult. What if I am here just because I have problems dealing with this reality? I am not adapted to society.
I am just sad.Though I am not lonely..weird, hugh? I have some friends, and I am torturing them.
Why? Because I think I deserve everything, and I am sure that everyone tries to hurt me. I really must understand that I am nobody. Nobody cares watta' f%*! I am doing or thinking. I am only one from billions. I do not matter.
And, above all, I am my only friend. So, why am I hurting myself, too?
The simplest answer will be that I am exagerating. The more complex one...I suffer of many personality disorders, I am crazy and I should go somewhere to treat myself.

Hi Geegee! Wow, you sound alot like me, of course i have been to see the Dr. and he diagnosed me with Clinical depression and social anxiety. Yadda yadda, nothing i didn't know before. What i didn't really know is that the rage and social fear of ridicule verging on paranoia are all part of the package. Sometimes it helps during those times when its worst just to KNOW that it's just a chemical imbalance in your brain, your brain is not producing enough of one of the neurotransmitters which is causing all sorts of problems. So while it is 'mental illness' in that your brain is not functioning within normal parameters, its not really YOU. For me that is a huge comfort. Just the simple knowledge that i'm not crazy takes alot of the stress off and that helps bring the fear and rage level down, you know? i agree that the drugs are not all they are cracked up to be, although there are times when being that numb would be a relief, just to let my emotions rest for a while. You don't have to take them any longer than you need or want to. In my case i get through it be focusing more on my cerebriel side and pushing my emotional side to the back burner. For me, if i can look at everything from a logical perspective and try to look at every side of every issue i come up against than i don't have as much time to let my chemicals get away from me. Also have you ever heard of the oriental game called GO. It is completly absorbing, you will be so busy using your brain you wont have time for anything, really! For now just know that you are not alone, both me and my partner have this problem (and some days are just no fun with two depressives in the house, i can tell you) if you need to talk or anything just personal message me, ok?