I don't know anymore...Am I crazy? I have these totally weird outbursts that doesn't match with the person I think I am. I am bitter sometimes, so bitter that I am scared of the things I say. I am trying to protect myself and I just end up with me saying horrible things to people that doesn't deserve that. Sometimes I think I am a queen, a great human being, the best...After that, I can see that I was stupid, and I apologize. I want to believe that I am on the right way, that I am learning lessons, but...
I'm scared.
What if I am just a horrible person? What if I am just living to hurt others?
On the other way, if I am asking myself these questions, I may be, in some degree, aware of what I should and should not say and do. Maybe I am just confused. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tn_dizzy002.gif) Maybe there is a way for me to become what I want to be. How I want to be.
I am scared of competition, and I react violently. I am afraid that people will make fun of me, will gossip about me, and make me feel bad. I am paranoid. Borderline personality...I found my simptoms among others in a 'Mental Health and Psychology dictionary'. Anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, histrionic personality..and another five mental disorders.
I wanna scream. Just go somewhere where nobody can see or hear me, and scream my anger out in the universe. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/help.gif) I am pathetic, sad person. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/cry_.gif) What am I doing here, anyway? I don't belong here, among you, those interested in occult. What if I am here just because I have problems dealing with this reality? I am not adapted to society.
I am just sad.Though I am not lonely..weird, hugh? I have some friends, and I am torturing them.
Why? Because I think I deserve everything, and I am sure that everyone tries to hurt me. I really must understand that I am nobody. Nobody cares watta' f%*! I am doing or thinking. I am only one from billions. I do not matter.
And, above all, I am my only friend. So, why am I hurting myself, too?
The simplest answer will be that I am exagerating. The more complex one...I suffer of many personality disorders, I am crazy and I should go somewhere to treat myself.