while living the days as they go on and on I consider my life and where its heading. I reflect on my thinking and my actions which are interwoven with my overall attitute towards life and question my own beliefs and ideals continuously. This is something i'm used to, something which has helped me grow but at the same time has inhibited me due to lack of trust in any given situation. When I speak of trust I speak for myself mainly, my outlook and such. Now, at this moment in time i'm still grappling with what I believe to be real and true, what I believe to be sane and insane, what path I should tread and for how long. There is a point in life where this all comes naturally and just helps you to shift your space/time position but for me it's as though I have no place in this world. Alas, I continue on in my endeavor to see it through till my end and fight for some sense of selfworth and purpose. One idea i've been juggling with is to release myself from the bonds of desire and live only for what I need, the other idea is to live for what I want, and do what I have to to get what I want, example, I see this really nice jacket in a shop window and I really want it, I will have to go and earn money to buy it. If I had no desire for it I wouldn't need to go and earn money for it. What about a measly can of cola, or the latest mobile phone? all these essentially desires. And this is my point, what lengths am I willing to go to to achieve or recieve whatever it is I desire. I know for sure I would go far if it was for something I NEEDED. I guess I just have commitment issues but just saying it does nothing for me, it's deeper than commiting to something. It's finding something worthy enough to commit to. This is different for everyone, we all want something different, even though sometimes we all want the same thing. I don't want a car is one example, i'm sure someone out there does want a car!
What i'm afraid of the most I guess is never finding anything I want in life, and then missing out. I can't excactly force myself to like something I just don't like.
This is so far what I can fathom and its allowing me to try and open myself to new possibilities that may bring some joy and light into my life, one where I am in the driving seat, unphased by what is before me. Now I am building myself up anew like a phoenix rising from its ashes becoming essentially the oppisite of what I don't want to become. I'm really thinking about making some major steps in my life within these next few months, where I end up right now is a mystery but what I do know is its down to me. Someone could force my body into heaven but my mind could be in hell. I am my mind, my mind is me.
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