First of all, I would like to start this with: RIP Bym, you will be missed.

Now to the actual post. I've been at tennis camp for two weeks. My life has absolutely SUCKED these past two weeks (my friend committed suicide, I had to end a relationship and I got in a couple fights over similar things and my confidence in the value of humanity has been lowered), so I haven't slept well. Well I kind of looked around inside myself for energy and came upon something. It was in my stomach - not my abdominal area, specifically my stomach. It was kind of a shifting blackness at first, encased in a barrier of flesh. Then I recognized an arm and eyes turned to face me. I recognized an energy so I harmonized with it for a little - I let its darkness fill me and got the image of it releasing out of my stomach and moving its arms and legs so that they match where mine are, my veins filling with a black substance and me getting energy from darkness. It didn't make me feel bad, just extremely energized - I felt refreshed. When I was done with it it went back into my stomach without a fight and immediately instead of regular flesh like it had been the barrier became radiant, like it was a wall of light. Later, after I had gone home I got searing pain to the abdomen. I don't mean a cramp - I know what that feels like. I mean it felt just like... compression. It felt like my innards were exploding. No, I have not had digestive problems - and, once again, I know what that feels like. I immediately knew certain things about it - such as that it was a separate being that was inside of me, not my own darkness and that it would serve me very well in a fight - it would make me merciless and enraged if I needed it.

Which brings me to another topic which I think might be related; my anger. Whenever I get angry I lost control. Not like I just do whatever and shirk responsibility for my actions by saying i couldn't control myself, but I do things that I couldn't normally do. A year ago this girl in my grade was throwing stuff at me for no reason and hit me with a metal spoon. She'd already been annoying me that day so I just lost it. I literally stood up and yelled, in these exact words: "Shut up, I don't like you!!" and she ran away and cried. The people who witnessed it were talking to the teacher after and said they were actually scared when I did it. I get totally enraged and merciless when I'm angry; if that girl had been closer I would have broken something on her without a doubt (come to think of it, I rather wish I had (IMG:style_emoticons/default/hmm.gif) ). There have been other instances like this throughout the years, and they only occur when somebody makes me angry enough that I just lose control and some other force comes through me to express it. That's my second stage of anger. In my first I just become cold and merciless and usually reduce people to tears without making physical (or sometimes even verbal) contact. If it's with words, I don't insult them, but I seem to become aware of every emotional and psychological weakness they have and then exploit it. Needless to say, I realized about five years ago that this anger was impractical for petty use and I keep it in check; it takes time and effort to make me angry, but when you do, one of those two things happens. Both of them are things I couldn't ordinarily do; I am NOT an intimidating person, or a smart one. Neither of these is congruent with my personality, and now that I think about it when I go into those rages the energy that fills me when they happen is the same type as what happens when I call on the thing inside me. And the worst is: once I build up a grudge against a person (not something I do lightly) any thought of hurting them has a sickening temptation to it, like I want to go do it as soon as the image is in my head. Yet again, this has no congruency with my real personality.


Thanks for reading that, I know it was really long.

Any thoughts? I feel a little (IMG:style_emoticons/default/insane.gif) on the subject.