.lecture I Wrote. Thoughts? Options

LOOKS LONG BUT I PROMISE ITS VERY INTRESTING

' Pierce societ with a strong knife and out will pour a substance full of no realisation, no visualisation, no appreciation, no imagination, and of course, no broad REVELATION.
Us who work hard in the depths of universal matters may struggle to cope with this state of society,but there is a door that we can jump in and out where 0 exist to full but also not full, where electricity spills from the clouds in liquid form;where there is appreciation, visualisation and imagination so strong that it hits the mind like a drug. This is the manmade surreal reality, where one fantasises, brings random acts into his daily routine etc. After hopping in and out for 8 months or so, we can pierce society with the strong knife again and out will pour an emptiness which one does not give a damn about. Justice is a complicated matter, we all have our own measure of morality, lets throw it down a well, and when you want to kill a man paint your dark dersire of death upon him on a canvas in the most miracalistic way, and get on with a clear mind. Mankind does not explode like it used to. Many intellectualls who are english i have found get dragged down in the most deppressing political issues, they feel like god is dead; you have not seen the light my friend. Science may also bring about the most heavenly feelings!

We must develop the will have control over the body and mind for the mind and body controls the surreal.
Have you universal subject and your high will, and have your infinite surreal construction area.
HERE IS THE TREE OF LIFE.
(IMG:http://www.quanyinspeaks.org/images/pillarsTreeofLife.jpg)
the first sephiroth represented by 1 is kether its attributed god name is 'eheieh' which usualy means ' i am that i am not'. This statement pushes the human mind beyond its extent, and in its sense represents the personal surreal, thier link is quite obvious.
the second sephiroth is chokmah, hes is the father and is hugely associated with the will and of course the will is one our needs.
The next sphiroth is binah, it is the mother, the last sephiroth in the trio, it means understanding, how can one help mankind in any area without any understanding, since this is the purest form of the mother it represent the are of subject to produce a revelation. YOU! NEED TO BE A PURE MOTHER in a dedicated and understood sense. This is an essential.
All of these sephiroth have attribiuted linking to the needs, This gives us the chance to start pulling triggers for these essentials. IT IS STRANGE HOW INSENSE COULD PRODUCE SUCH A WONDERFUL THEOERY ON QUANTUM MECHANICS!'

This post has been edited by gift22: Dec 2 2007, 05:17 AM

Er, I don't intend to sound harsh, so I apologize if I sound critical.

It's a little short for a lecture, without much information in it. It also isn't anything particularly informative as far as what you do state.

Also, your tree of life diagram is missing the connections between 2/5 and 3/4.

Also, you don't explain where quantum mechanics ties into all of this at all.

All in all, it's somewhat jumbled and unclear all together, save for a few verses of philosophy on social interaction.

I'd keep working on it.

peace

im sorry, it was only and idea a little jot, and your right it is short, i really want to be a writer
is it that piece of wrting really bad?
maybe im just not made out to be one.
in the quantum mechanics bit it, i stated that you have your subject and these triggers like insence ( aleister crowley 777) so it was a kind of a joyful ending
kind of explaining how al of this could lead to something which seems so unnatached to it.
also i suppose its only truly imformative to people who have this problem. Personally i struggle to do magick well because society is so deppressive and i use this system
to put it right.
Thank you vagrant dreamer for the comment but what do you mean 'save for the verses on philosophy on social interaction'



check out my band athttp://www.myspace.com/theoracyband

This post has been edited by gift22: Dec 2 2007, 11:32 AM

im sorry, it was only and idea a little jot, and your right it is short, i really want to be a writer
is it that piece of wrting really bad?
maybe im just not made out to be one.

If you have a desire to be a writer, then you have the capacity to be one. I would say, you need more practice, and you need to think it through a bit more. Like you say, it's a little jot - I was lead to believe, by the title of the post, that you considered it 'lecture' length and composure.

As far as a good/bad judgement - I couldn't classify it either way, it's not really about good or bad. It just doesn't really go anywhere, it's a bit disjointed and fragmentary, and it's very general in what it does say. I could not summarize, after reading it, what it is about. But, you're still very young, so you have plenty of time to learn how to write more concisely, with more of a focused subject matter. So, don't feel down on yourself, just take criticism constructively, and reconsider how you write. Read what you write, after you write it, as though you didn't write it. View it objectively as you can. I typically write my papers, save them somewhere out of sight, and reread them a few days later, when I am no longer involved in the train of thought. That way I have to rediscover the part of that train of thought that I expressed, without all of the unspoken explanations that were a part of my thinking, but not a part of the paper.

in the quantum mechanics bit it, i stated that you have your subject and these triggers like insence ( aleister crowley 777) so it was a kind of a joyful ending
kind of explaining how al of this could lead to something which seems so unnatached to it.
also i suppose its only truly imformative to people who have this problem. Personally i struggle to do magick well because society is so deppressive and i use this system
to put it right.

That doesn't really connect to quantum mechanics at all, though... it doesn't explain how all of this could lead to something which seems unattached.

All of these sephiroth have attribiuted linking to the needs, This gives us the chance to start pulling triggers for these essentials. IT IS STRANGE HOW INSENSE COULD PRODUCE SUCH A WONDERFUL THEOERY ON QUANTUM MECHANICS!'

First of all, the sentences don't make much sense. If I get you right, you might have said instead, "All of these sephiroth have attributes which link them to different needs," which makes more sense, although you haven't defined what you mean by 'needs'. You also then don't define "essentials" in the following part, which should be a different sentence. You misspelled Incense, and then suggest that Incense produced any theories in quantum mechanics - which it didn't. I'm not sure if you expressed your thought there properly, so you might not have meant to imply that.

Thank you vagrant dreamer for the comment but what do you mean 'save for the verses on philosophy on social interaction'

These sentences here. Somewhat disjointed, but decent philosophical commentary on society in general. In the first instance the nature of justice, and on the second instance the schism between spirituality and science.

Justice is a complicated matter, we all have our own measure of morality, lets throw it down a well, and when you want to kill a man paint your dark dersire of death upon him on a canvas in the most miracalistic way, and get on with a clear mind.

Many intellectualls who are english i have found get dragged down in the most deppressing political issues, they feel like god is dead; you have not seen the light my friend. Science may also bring about the most heavenly feelings!

Like I said, it's not that you don't have any potential, obviously there are a lot of creative thoughts in your head, and that's the place to start. You just need some practice getting them out and onto paper/etc., in some coherent fashion, in language that will make sense. You're a brit, no? So, should I assume english is your first language?

Keep writing, but like I said, maybe take time afterwards to get disassociated from what you wrote, and then go back to it and read it again before publishing it somewhere.

And for the record, a lecture by nature is intended to educate on some subject matter. They aren't just insightful, but explain a point fully for the purposes of application in a particular field. For instance if you were to elucidate the natures of incenses in relationship to the tree of life, and their uses in magickal application, or as focuses of contemplation into the nature of the sephiroth, you would have something more like a lecture.

If you want to be a writer, be a writer, but take a serious and critical eye to your work, learn to separate what you have written from what you were thinking at the time, so that you can view it objectively. Then you can be more certain that you have produced something worthwhile.

peace

This post has been edited by Vagrant Dreamer: Dec 2 2007, 12:08 PM

cheers! i willl take it all in. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Keep in mind there is little need for you to be an over achiever. While I agree with what VD says about your lecture, don't get down on yourself. Most people can't even garsp the concepts of the tree of life at your age, let alone even attempt to fathom many of the ideas you've presented.

What I would do is separate your lecture into sections and focus on each section individually. Once you have more than a few paragraphs for each section then you can begin to link each section so that it all ties into one lecture.

Your introduction appeals to what is called pathos, emotion. In an intellection lecture that is the wrong way to appeal to people because they, assuming they are fairly intelligent, will immediately begin to question you and what you say. If you want people to think you are credible you should appeal to their ethos, which is credibility. Say something like "according to mark twain society... (insert quote)" and then add your own thoughts. To be honest your lecture does seem a little overly dramatic to me. logos is writting style. Your writting style should reflect the kind of work you are composing. A play would be dramatic and poetic, an essay would be very dry and clear cut, a speach to the public would also be dry unless you were trying to appeal to people's emotions. Use vernacular, words that laymen can understand. If you must use esoteric words, include something that deffines or explains it so you are not using blanket terms that nobody understands.

So consider your logos, pathos and ethos. These are the three main qualities of aristitillian style of arguement in a nutshell. Your main focus for a lecture should logos and especially ethos. The easier your stuff is to understand the better and the more credible you are the more likely people will take you seriously. Using credible examples will appeal to people's ethos and make you seem more believable. Don't use what is called name dropping. This is where you appeal to an authority without proper citation or in a way that is false. Its like say you're trying to promote a medicine and you tell people so many doctors agree the stuff really works. That is name dropping. Also don't use numbers or "facts" without backing them up. Now understand I am not saying you used name dropping in your lecture I'm mentioning it so you won't as you redo your lecture. Lastly common knowledge examples can be used without citation. They don't need citation because they should already know what it means.

Back to your lecture; your first main paragraph lacks cohesion. It has really big ideas and demonstrates that you are an intelligent person but its kind of jumbled. You tend to incorperate complex ideas about society and philosophy and then use that to allude to, introduce, your concept of a surreal reality. I pretty much agree with VD and what he told you already. Less pathos and more ethos. That in itself will increase the quality of your logos.

Your main body of evidence is the tree of life. While I think it is an excellent and most practical way to explain any existential philosophy, I think you did not really provide enough information about it. Tell people where the sephiroth originated, what its significance is and where people can learn more about it on their own. Then use more details when trying to tie the tree of life into your concept of the surreal universe.

To summerize what I'm saying expand upon your ideas. A real lecture should be something that could cover a time period of at least an hour. Finally use less dramatic appeal and provide more credible knowledge to your work.

Its not that your writting sucks its that I think you simply haven't had a lot of experience. But if you take the advice you've been given I'm sure you can produce work to be proud of. If you want you can always pm me a rough draft of any work you do and I'll look over it and give you any suggestions I think are necessary. Deffinately do not get discouraged here because you do show great potential.

This post has been edited by Acid09: Dec 6 2007, 06:47 PM

some brilliant advice, all of it. I will definitley put some background information in about the tree of life as i think that is very important and adds much more material. I do know what you mean about its dramtic presentation, because its hard not to go overboard,because of fear.
I'll keep playing about with it and studying what i've written with what you have said in mind. I will try to convert it into a more simplistic way. because thats a really good point that if they are intelligent they will begin too question. glad i got some more information on lectures, purposes, needs etc.
Brilliant guys cheers! do you write alot? any subjects you particuarly like writing about?

I do know what you mean about its dramtic presentation, because its hard not to go overboard,because of fear.

Whats to be afraid of? Can you explain this a little?

do you write alot? any subjects you particuarly like writing about?

Personally I don't write a lot of formal stuff. When I do its related to college matterial. I have taken compossion classes that focused largely on arguement as well litterary function, logic, reading comphrenion classes, including a speed reading course that was very useful and probably some others too. I actually really suck at grammar and spelling.

When I do write it's generally not meant to be formal and mostly is just for myself or for those who I know won't care anyways.

the fear of immaturity in my writing.
do you find personal writing useful for personal development?

writting can be used as tool to over come immaturity. I'm in the process of moving right now and in so doing I stumbled upon some of my old writings back from my highschool days and re-reading them I learned how immature I was at that age. Immaturity doesn't mean stupidity (well it can) but mostly it means ignorance, being naive. What I wrote about back then was full of big ideas but little higher education. But in order to gain experience one needs to start from scratch and learn the ropes so to speak. Its better that you are getting this kind of constructive criticism now rather than when you are older like 25. Then you really know society is ahead of you.