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Nun Searching for Porn

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15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
   
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
   
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
   
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
   
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
   
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: This will cost you. -Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
   
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. -Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
   
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -David (I Samuel 18:27)
   
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) -Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
   
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
    
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
    
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). -David (2 Samuel 11)
    
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) -Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
    
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
    
15. A wife? ... NOT! -Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Pope's Blessing

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase,
"Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also
bless gay people. He said, "Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti

Non parla d'il padre! >:o..No, I'm kidding, that was hilarious tuti fruiti..lmfao...poor pope...But the best one had to be on another thread about I think it was moses, jesus, and god playing golf...That one brought a tear to my eye.

.::Sempre Bene::..::Chris::.
-Fiat Lux.

This post has been edited by SangueDiNapoli: Mar 18 2006, 04:54 PM

Forgive Me Father...

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Key To Heaven

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, the older nun which normally assisted in this task was a little under the weathers so she instructed Sister Magdalene, a young nun on how to prepare the bath water and towels. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever she's told to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asks the sister how the bath had gone. "Oh sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved!"

"Saved? How did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him. And while I was washing him, he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the lord keeps the key to heaven."

"Did he now--" the old nun said.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And, Father John said that if the key to heaven fit my lock, the portals of heaven would open to me, and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his key to heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said that the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun, "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it these past forty years!"

haha, nice.

hahahaha very funny! I like the nun picture!

moonlit

thats got to some of the Funniest stuff i have ever seen or heard so thanks alot, love to laugh.

lol.. too funny

The nun stories reminded me of the "Memoirs of Cassinova". He would sneak nuns out of the convent and bone them two at a time after he watched them do each other for a little bit. Now thats my idea of relgion.

This is an old one, but here it s again:

A Leter to Dr Laura

On Laura Schlesinger's radio show she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as thought-provoking


Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

Such as:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2 . I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a greater abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.

Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Signed,
An adoring fan
(IMG:style_emoticons/default/angel.gif)

[*]Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -David (I Samuel 18:27)

Heheheh! Man, if you could get away with that! Seriously after the first foreskin you'd probably wake the guy up along with his whole army. That said, would you really want to marry the daughter of a guy with 200 enemies? If you ran off with thier foreskins make sure you break thier legs too or else they'll find you. LOL. Proposal for marraige...200 foreskin. A semi-sharpened knife...half a goat. The look of a freshly circumsized angry mob at your tent door the next morning...priceless.

Do you go to church?

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. "How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man. "Three." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.

"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man. "Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man. Finally, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"

The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.

If You Love Jesus

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!"

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

No Soap

One morning two priests head to the showers. It isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap.
Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it. He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking towards him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.

The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most lifelike statue you've ever seen?"

She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.

"Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of soap!"

The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks, so she steps in for a closer look. She takes a couple of yanks on the priest's weenie, and he drops the other bar of soap.

"My goodness, I got a bar of soap also!" The nuns can't believe it.

The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's weenie.

"My God, this is amazing," she says, "I got liquid soap!"

Blackmail

Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas.

His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better.

"Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won't fight with my brother Hank for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again.

"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.

Suddenly Johnnie had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner.

He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her
young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew
up.
A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they
revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What---did-
--you---say---?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus!
That's wonderful, dear. And I thought you said you wanted to be a
Protestant."

I got one

A catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were talking at the end of a religious conference on world peace and the priest said to the rabbi;

I understand that Jews aren't allowed to have pork Rabbi, is this true?

and the Rabbi replied "yes, this is true"

so the priest leaned over a bit closer and said "have you ever tried it?"

And the Rabbi put on a remorseful face and said, "Yes, yes I did once"

And the priest said "it is good isn't it?"

and the Rabbi said "yes, it was nice, but Priest, I understand that you catholic priests aren't allowed to have sex, is this true?"

And the priest said "yes, celibacy is one of the main parts of the catholic priesthood"

And the Rabbi leant closer and asked quietly "have you ever tried it?"

And the priest pulled the same face as the Rabbi did and said "yes, once a long time ago"

and the Rabbi smiled and said "much better than pork isn't it?"

That son of a b*tch...

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bi*ch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bi*ch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BI*CH!!

An atheist died, and on arrival in front of the pearly gates, was told by St. Peter that he couldn't go in, because he was an atheist and didn't believe in God.

"Couldn't you just at least give me a tour of the place?" the atheist asks.

St. Peter agrees to this, so they both go inside. Anyway, they walk around, and St. Peter shows the atheist all the wonders of heaven, the throngs of various people, and everything else that is going on...and eventually they come to a large, high wall. The atheist can hear voices and people moving around behind the wall, and he wonders what it's doing there.

"What's this wall doing here?" He asks St. Peter.

St. Peter looks at him nervously, and lowers his voice.

"Shhhh. Don't make so much noise. The Christians are behind that wall. They think they're the only ones here."

--

A semi-homeless man was waiting on a station platform for a train one day, when a Priest came and sat down next to him. The Priest saw that the homeless man was a wreck. His clothes were torn and filthy, he stank of alcohol, and he had dry lipstick stains all over the remains of a tie.

Anyway, after a few minutes of reading a paper that he had with him, the homeless man turned to the Priest and asked a question.

"Father, what causes cancer?"

The Priest looked at him again, and said in a sorrowful tone, "Son, cancer is caused by loose living, alcoholism, associating with wicked women, and a contempt for your fellow man."

The homeless man said, "Oh," and went back to reading his paper.

A few minutes later, the Priest began to feel sorry for the homeless man, and wondered if he had been too hard on him, so he asked, "I'm sorry, son. Do you have cancer?"

"Why no, Father. I was only just reading here that the Pope does."

This post has been edited by Petrus: Dec 7 2007, 01:19 AM

(CAUTION: Very Offensive!!!)

I hope this one isn't already on here...i looked around a bit and didn't see it, so here it goes...

Why is a picture of Jesus better than the real thing?...



...it only takes one nail to hang the picture...