Hello.
I've been lurking for a tiny bit on this forum, getting a feel for the space. I like the sense that I get here so I thought I'd post.
If you don't like histories or details, suffice to say, this is TMI so hello and well met! (IMG:
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Now a bit about myself. I began exploring non-ordinary consciousness when I was 11. I found a book my step-father had about hypnosis. I started practicing the exercises necessary to get into a trance state. Later parts of this book were about how to then push thought patterns into your deep conscious, affirmations and the like. However I mistrusted doing so and just continued practice the trance state staying there experiencing it. I practiced solidly for months. Then intermittently. I was also an avid SF and fantasy reader by this time (not so much these days).
Perhaps I was drawn in those types of directions because my mother is psychic. I would classify myself as a 'repressed' psychic. My mom was terrified of her abilities. Absolutely horribly afraid, like panic level afraid. She did not like that she could see the future occasionally. She did not like that she saw things that people she knew were doing when she wasn't present. etc. Even though she knew it was real (that is, not a mental breakdown; her grandmother was also psychic) it terrified her. So she pushed her abilities Down. I believe that unconsciously she did the same to her children. So perhaps this was an outlet.
Freshman year in high school I found a book on Zen Buddhism (Suzuki, of course!) in the school library. So I got into that, reading a few more books of the sort and doing some meditation. Then, I found the one and only magick shop in the City. It was miles away from where I lived, in the heart of downtown. I saw it once when my parents were driving by but didn't know exactly where it was. The third time I saw it a light went on. That was the first time I remember taking direct action based on synchronicity (of course, this was well before I came across the term, but...). I took public transportation to downtown got off at random and just wandered around till I found it. Actually didn't take that long, five, ten minutes and visualizing it and I was surprised when it was just *right there* the one single door width shop front.. This can be explained by deep consciousness, so is just pretty neat not quite magickal.
That started a journey towards paganism, the tarot, magick, psychics.
Senior year (HS), I found myself somehow in a community that claimed to have psychic abilities, probably though associations in the gaming community. A general raft of people of varying age groups that would sometimes get together to discuss and practice psychic energy constructs. At the time I was pretty much an strict empiricist and frustrated with my own lack of experiential evidence. I wanted someone to 'know' i was tossing them an energy ball without overt physical motions. I wanted to experience direct lingual telepathy, etc. Never quite happened at that point.
At University these experiences (except for the psychic parts, which I was disappointed in) became a grounding base. Sophomore year I decided to delve a bit more deeply into ceremonial magicks and decided to take a closer look into Crowley's work. I didn't do anything about it, just a constant pressure that I wanted to. Then, walking home from class one day in the middle of my path I found a copy of Magick in Theory and Practice. Fortunately for me there was no name in the book, and no way to tell whose it was. I took it as a synchronistic gift and started reading…
Senior year(U), quite a few out of town people started showing up to my friend's parties. They were from an online collective, which my friend was a part of. I started adding ideas and practices by Lilly, Leary, Watts, McKennas, RAW, Bey (everyone will eventually realize they are their own TAZ! (IMG:
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I joined their online conversation some time later. 'Fleshmeets' were actually rather common back then. After we have a sustainable number, at the height we had 20-100 people we knew descend on a location at one time (for major events, such as week long New Years retreats, Samhain, Beltane, etc.) with smaller regional gatherings probably monthly (and if there was a heavy concentration of ppl in the area, daily interaction).
They were primarily originally Psychonauts/Metaprogrammers hacking their own souls/wetware but plenty of them were also occult and/or religion oriented or scientists (e.g. ceremonial magicians, sufis, tantrics, psychics and the like) (scientists are tantrics, if you like, always doing the balancing act between creation and destruction). I joined their online discussions some time later. The discussions were mostly non-magickal, although the essence is approximately similar, over a wide range of subject. This broadened my scope of useful models and experiences quite amazingly, and I found more and more stuff online and off to study and play with as we all shared info.
This went on for years. It got so that I could be in a heightened state of awareness just being in a group of hmm, three or more say, eating lunch. But I have quite a few close friends from those days, even though I do not see them much as they are (now) scattered out to the four winds.
Fast forward and I'm shy of 30 and perform a four day solitary ritual to unite with the divine and I have what I consider a significant Kundalini type experience.
The next ten years, I spend rebuilding myself in light of that experience, and rebuilding myself again (and again (IMG:
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Became a Reiki Master (William Rand, for those that like lineages), and although I don't use it outside the family I do use these techniques in ritual. This was something of a breakthrough for me, because most techniques I had been previously taught/read about require energy from the user (psychic, chi based, most magick, etc.). This set explicitly does not. I was also able to confirm for myself 'psychic' energies in a controlled setting.
Became a Nath initiate. Of a type (I am not a holder of the lineage, although I have received some initiation and instruction I am not beholden to any Guru). I use these technologies mostly for karmic balance, dharmic dance. Was imprinted with the key to, but not the experience of Ananda. Can obtain a state approaching this but it is not sustainable.
More meditation is needed! Pay attention to your yoga! ok, ok!!! jeez, the things some people say…
Started Tai Chi, Drumming, yoga, delving into the Kabbalah and the Thoth tarot… Read more books. (IMG:
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At the current point in my life, I practice ceremonial magick a bit - LBRP and the like, tarot, meditation, Tai Chi & Kung Fu, entheogens, yoga,lucid dreaming, journaling. In fact, I keep a few journals. Dreams, Rituals, Tarot, Life. I find it easier to sort through that than a hash of everything.
Hmm. well that's the flavour at least.
I am a blacksmith, silver/goldsmith, logos-smith, budding stone mason, wood carver, musician, fire tender, swordsman. Player of games. Fool. A few interesting things.
I tend towards perfectionism, unobtrusiveness and observation, fewer friends that I know rather than large groups of social acquaintances, creation, a belief in karma, similar to my belief in physics.
I tend to believe that our models are just that, and try not to eat the menu. I recognise that multiple models can be diametrically opposed yet still each have utility. I liken models to analogies, some are better than others, but all miss the boat (hah!, double recursion?) and are no substitute. Maps can also lead you astray when the river shifts. I enjoy teasing new patterns out of data and (re)forging (a)new connections and observing the resultant paradox where none existed before.
Looking back, I can see that my path has been primarily Theurgy (from K&C to shamanistic vision quests to email lists). I mostly do not do "spells" per se only activities I believe to bring me closer to enlightenment and to the divine light. Most of my spells seem to happen quite on their own (a little energy over a long period of time) if my Desire is conformant with my Will. I guess I don't want the responsibility and karmic debt of the unintended consequences of large pushes without the wisdom to minimize and mitigate the risks or the clear sight to accurately create the proper vector for the energies involved .
I don't expect that to change in the near future...
I hope no one is particularly bothered if I dredge up old threads and reply. I know that I personally enjoy re-reading what I and others have written. I can travel back to the past with a new perspective and find new meanings and new ways of thinking. It's also interesting to realize how wise I was *back then* (and wonder what happened! ) or how un-nuanced/egoistic/foolish/naive what I wrote seems now (oh! the anguish! the embarrassment! (IMG:
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So, pretty much a standard trajectory.
Well, this is probably more than most would want to know so I will leave it at that!
Namaste,
Moonchilde
An Introduction, well, just me rambling on for a long time...
Feb 12 2010, 10:01 PM
