Can You Honor My Friend? Options

My best friend has killed himself. I found a suicide note he left me today, and called his grandparents, but he had already done the deed.

Now I don't know what to do. I am his only friend, and his grandparents his only family, and I am too far away (he went home for the holidays) to attend his funeral in time. There is no one else to remember him.

I want to keep his memory alive, honor him in some way, but what can I do?

I have nothing of the spiritual in me, so if any of you could find it in your heart to say a prayer or light a candle or whatever you feel appropriate for Kent Shepherd, a good person and better friend despite being a lonely and unfortunate man, you would be do a good thing. He deserves something more than the ramblings of a single drunkard.

Thanks.

This post has been edited by Vilhjalmr: Nov 28 2010, 04:34 AM

Dear Vilhjalmr,

I am very sorry to hear that you lost your best friend. I can only imagine that you must be in a great deal of pain right now, and I wish I could give you more support than this response.

One thing that I would like to respond to here is my sense that you don't feel that you are capable of doing anything to honor Kent's memory. You seem to beat yourself up, making self-deprecating and defeatist comments, in addition to expressing a sense of powerless to do anything for him; I think this reflects how you likely now blame yourself for his death in some way, even as you feel powerless to have done anything about it. In addition to grief, you feel angry...perhaps at yourself more than anybody.

From what you have said here, it sounds like you did everything to prevent your friend from committing suicide. I can only imagine how much you must hurt to have done everything and still learn that it was not enough. And I am so sorry, sometimes our best efforts are not enough. But you need to remember that it was his decision to commit suicide, not yours; you are not responsible for his death.

As you knew him well, you are in an excellent position to influence the world in gratitude of how his spirit touched you. You may need to grieve for some time before this is possible. Then again, I would also encourage you to write a short statement, such as you would read if you were called upon to speak at his funeral, and to pick a special time and place to read this aloud. If you would like to also post this statement on this thread, I could see it being an incredibly magickal act for us as a community to see and respond to.

I just lit a candle for Kent, a candle for him and all for of the people that are now suffering because of his tragic loss.

I wish you the best, and that you may eventually see joy at the end of the dark tunnel of your mourning.

Sincerely,

This post has been edited by monkman418: Nov 28 2010, 10:34 PM

Thanks a lot, monkman. You have no idea what comfort your message has given me; I feel that Kent is already honored by the compassion and kindness you have shown.

I know it was his decision and not mine, but I keep going over our last conversations. Before he left, he really wanted to make sure I knew how much I meant to him... and since I knew he had been depressed, I wonder if I should have seen this as a warning sign.

I did try my best when I knew he was hurting, though. I try to keep that in mind. Thanks for the reminder of that... we can only do what we can do. I'm glad that he knew how much he meant to me, also, before he left. Maybe he planned that, so I wouldn't feel too bad... the first thing in his note was "I'm sorry." Sometimes feel a little angry, because that's evidence he knew what it'd do to me; but if he was hurting bad enough to want to die I can't blame him for putting himself first.

I too believe in trying to bring good out of bad; my best friend's death is not entirely in vain if I can use the grief and insight to better the world for others... though just between you and me, I'd gladly trade that to have my buddy back.

I'm going to take your advice about composing a statement, too, and I will most likely post it here. I don't believe in spirits or ghosts, but I still find myself talking to him, so I can see the power in that.

Thanks again. You're a good person. The fact that you actually did light a candle for my friend... well, we will just say that if this were a conversation in person, I would not be able to get any words out. I hope somehow Kent might know he is remembered and missed.

This post has been edited by Vilhjalmr: Nov 28 2010, 11:15 PM

I think writing a statement is the right thing to do, in a way it's all that can be done. If you so feel write more than one statement, write an obituary of pure fantasy, of everything you ever hoped for for your friend, write one blaming yourself if you so need, speak it to someone, go see a psychologist or a counsellor or a trusted advisor. It always seems so obvious to us after the fact of the matter, it seems like we should have been able to do something, perhaps you did, perhaps you did without knowing it on a number of occasions but people who are intent on dying often find a way to die... it's one of the most unfortunate things, but we must go on, we must go on.

Vilhjalmr,

I am glad that my words have been able to provide you with some small sense of relief.

I'd like to agree with Bb3; after the fact, we always have 100 percent clear vision to see clues that any reasonable person would have missed before the fact. Your friend's statements may seem to be more clear now in hindsight bias, but they were still veiled warnings and predicted the entirely unpredictable. No one imagines that their best friend will ever commit suicide, nor should it be expected that we imagine tragedy and death around every corner. Predicting suicide is very difficult, even for persons who are trained to do it; even looking for the clues, it is extremely difficult even for the professionals to predict suicide. This is why psychologists are often found to not be legally responsible when one of their clients commits suicide, by the way, because in the absence of clear warnings it's nearly impossible to predict. Unfortunately, a person's tendency towards suicide is usually only clear after the fact.

I bet you helped your friend a great deal in his life. Even if he did commit suicide in the end, the help and care that you provided towards him in life was not wasted in the least. After all, he helped you to become a person who could help and care for others with greater assiduity and compassion. In the end, I hope that his loss also helps you find an even greater reverence for life.

Because you seem to express some apprehension about openly doing so, I'd like to give you permission to have mixed feelings about your friend's decision to kill himself. It's a little easier for parents to understand mixed feelings, I think, such as when a mother or father can severely scold their child for doing something harmful even as they might also empathize with the reasons their child has for making injurious mistakes. Even as you empathize with your friend's pain and feel horrified at his tragic death, I think it is very human to also be angry at the act of suicide itself. Even as the violence was self-inflicted, I think it is okay to be angry at the act of violence that took your friend from this life.

If you do decide to post a statement here, I look forward to reading it.

All the best,

This post has been edited by monkman418: Nov 29 2010, 01:16 PM

My deepest condolences to Kent Shepherd, family and friends. I hope everyone left behind be given the strength and remembers him as a good person he was.

I hope you are holding up better now than a few days ago, Vilhjalmr? Write a personal letter to Kent and ceremonially burn it while you let him go and let him find peace, that's my advice to you.