To Forgive and To Forget, Really... how do you do it? Options

Have you had someone really important and beloved to you do something really bad/dissapointing/whatever to you which you simply cannot forgive, not to mention to forget? When in the end you ended up filled with so much hate, mixed with love and resentment no matter what you've tried to really forget and forgive? And the feeling still there like for 2 years as it kept popping into your head even when you were not intentionally want to think and when you least expected it? Well, maybe I'm in a bad mood today, but really... I want to hear your thoughts and experience on dealing with this.

Yes, I had a friend who I liked much more than she liked me, in fact, she didn't really see me as a close friend at all. I totally misunderstood the situation.

After our parting, I hurt for many years and it hurt to think of her, but after being angry with her and blaming her and feeling terribly sorry for myself, I came to see that it was my own misreading of the relationship that was at the heart of the pain and once I had accepted that, things got a lot easier.

Now I remember her and see her in her true light; I also see what led up to my needing her to be my friend and how I came to misunderstand her place in my life; that is really the hardest part, accepting our own bit in a problem. Once we start looking inward and stop trying to place the problem outside on some other person or situation, then the true healing begins.

There will always be reminders, but the pain triggered by them gets less in my own experience.

This is your dark or negative experiances... Those who work with negative energies usually experance the same senario... The experiance comes up only when the energy from other memories are remembered...

Ever heard of the Chain of Memories? No, not the sequal video game of KH, but the same rules apply. Each memory is build on each other, like links on a chain. If one memory is pulled up, other memories are soon to follow, some good, some bad.

You can rearrange the links of memories as you like, but at EXTREME CAUTION! If you break too many links of your memories, you will ultimately lose yourself, and your identity...

If you break too many links of your memories, you will ultimately lose yourself, and your identity...

Do you know why this is or what it is called in psychology terms, it would be interesting to read more on this Uni-One (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Well, it's not really "offical", it's just my expertise...

You know those wrinkles on your brain? Welll, those are rippels of memories that your mind has stored over time. As a baby, your brain is completely smooth, because your memeories have yet to develop (which is the reason that no one remembers their first birth).

The same holds true spiritually, memories are kept track in your spirit because those are vital to your spiritual development. In doing so, you change according to what you have experianced, and what you learned from it (heartbreck, faith, etc.). As your metallity changes, so does your spirit, and vice verca....

Now, one ritual I did was to break the negative energy of a young man named Daniel. He had suffered many negative experiances in his life. Thus, this energy affected his behavior and was beginning to cause problems for not only himself, but everyone around him.

So by a favor from his exgirlfriend, we created a ritual that would break the memories he had, so that he could rebuild himself in a positive way...

Well, it worked, a bit too well unfortunatly... He ended up trying to attone for his sins, and tried to be a more noble, better spirit than what he was....

But at least I can say he's happier now than what he was eariler...

The absolute terminus is a breach of trust and a violation of privacy and the invasion of what you held sacrosanct to you ownself. Particularly by someone whom one held in high esteem and dependence.

The lost of this confidence and grief of the disappointment makes one become wary and mistrustful of everyone, so much so that it necessary to retire and batten down by closing doors and placing restrictions on movements.

Trust is as fragile as a cobweb, and as complicated to rebuild, and if ever again established, it will never be as before.

Thanks for the vote of confidence Alafair...

Alafair is quite justified to state that a breach of trust is unforgivable. It is an invasion of privacy, both destructive and humiliating. However, given time I am sure she will learn to forgive again. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

But forgetting the anguish of the betrayal could be harder and from my experience the sorrow of the loss of true friendship brought about from mistrust is almost as bad and the incident itself.

Time is the great healer and although the wounds of betrayal and loss of respect still weigh heavy, they will be dissipated over time. All strength to your arm! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/king.gif)

This post has been edited by Mandylion: Jun 23 2005, 09:57 PM

What one must remeber when it comes to memeories, is that's all they are, memories... Sometimes it's best to let go and look ahead...

Kinjo, your a good person, you don't need to worry about your mistakes, or your sorrows....

You've already made up for all of them......

Ah yes, I was forgetting about the trust part, the trouble is that once one person has betrayed your trust, then it is hard to trust people in general for a while in my experience.

The best thing is as we get older, we learn to be less dependent upon others for their opinions and we invest less into them and more into ourselves - such a blessing this is as we get hurt much less often and we know that if we are letting ourselves down then we can change it (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

I have been thinking about being true to ourselves again over the last few days; I think there is a thread for a board somewhere coming out of it LOL

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/starspin.gif)

Mandylion, I love your horse with its dandelion (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

The issue of Trust... very true indeed. Thanks for that insight (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

I've never been able to hold a grudge.
But then i don't really expect other people to be trusted either...

I think the hurt is really an ego problem.
You lose face, the ego is hurt, and then you have to build up your ego again, mostly by reasoning that the other person is at fault and that ones self is not to blame, and such...

I don't know, i cannot explain it, but its not a problem i have.

I don't even hold grudges against the worst people. And i have been betrayed more than most of the people here. If you want to know my story, then i will tell, but i don't think it is necessary.

If your story is unusual it may be worth telling...

... or if it will help us understand how you were able to forgive and forget, then feel free.

I try my best not to hold grudges, and what grudges I had are diminished by other peoples greater grudges! I'm not weak, I'm just wise enough to realise the devastating consequences that my grudges will provide(bitterness/death/jail).

I hate people who contradict them self by mistake or deliberately.

Sin is in the person who comfirmed/announced he/she has sinned. my very wisdom (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

greatness of me
weakness of me
weakness of them
Jealousy of them

When conbining these qaulitys, usually there be some chaotic consequences lol.

It's this, we all know this, the situation when we talk, my character to others, as they percieve me as big headed, but the fact I can't help, I do provide great sense, people see it as i'm showing off, they raised there voices first, I am not competing with them, simple trying to be heard, as usual they talk shit, the fact I am stronger in the beginning, middle and end messes up peoples heads lol.

I'm just exceptionally odd in my traits, as an example: my name babyalien, it's a beautiful name not of one meaning, but many, injustice for people JUDGE my name, WHO is in the wrong, they are the one's stalking, dictating, belittling me!
they should look in the mirror, cause I take it they think i'm egotistical? if I can come up with such names... then surely I must be a smart sweety ulitmately.

As you see life has messed my head up.

This post has been edited by babyalien: Jun 8 2005, 03:44 PM

And another thing, Real wisdom is dangerious, Always make a sinner feel like a sinner. Why alot of guys around the world are evil is either because they don't believe there actions are evil!

Someone who hated me used my wisdom against me, so now I try not to talk.

I for one am not a forgive and forget kind of person. How do you get past a deep betrayl even years later? I (as most people) have been severely betrayed once (at least that really mattered) and I just held on to it for years and years...it has not been until recently that I have been able to completely let go. I was able to do this through ritualistic purging of myself (thoughts, feelings, emotions, expectations disappointments, etc) I just let it all out and it actually no longer bothers me at all. I think about what happened at times, but look at it as an experience in learning (a costly one) and growing, but ti has no ill effect on me any longer.

my story will not provide insights.

when i was young my parents divorced. I actually begged my mom to part with my father. He is a bad man, even as a child i could see this.
In the end my mom could scrap together the courage to kick him out.

Years later he knocked back at our door, claiming he had the right to at least see his kids. He had a restraining order, but my mom allowed him to take us out each Sunday anyway. In the beginning it was fun.

After some years, he ended up coming inside our house, eating our food, choosing which TV programs to watch. and insulting my mom and making us all feel scared and oppressed. He had taken control somehow.

He was always a smart man, and he could reason well, but as i got older he was no match for me. So i had to convince my brothers and mother to get him out again.

In the end i was able to persuade everyone and we told him he was not allowed inside our house anymore. He got angry and it was not a fun evening that day.

So thats my story and thats how i ended up calling the cops to get my dad out of my life. He even threatened to kill me before we called the cops.

thats my story, being betrayed by my own father. I hold no grudge against him, but i will not talk to him. He is no father of me anymore, i treat him now like i would any stranger. Friendly and polite.

Its not so much a point as whether or not i forgive him, or hold a grudge against him. I often remember the very few good times we had together, but i never feel hatred or anger toward him.

I compare it to a tiger, i do not hate tigers, but they are not allowed inside my house, and i would avoid them if i met them in the wild.
If a tiger were to bite me, I would not be angry at it, but i would run from it as soon as i can.

a relevant link:
http://www.truetao.org/living/2004/200409.htm

This post has been edited by A_Smoking_Fox: Jun 9 2005, 07:04 AM

The tiger logic is good.

The Tao link is brilliant, it really gets the point across.

We have to forgive! why, because it's the way to survive devastating loses for all of us, all! we all end up bitter, wanting to kill, it sucks, when life is glory, we are intelligent like supreme aliens/gods in control.

yes, you are right babyalien. those are the dangers of holding grudges.
Those feelings lead to a path of death, decay and depression.

To quote tool:
we have to transform these leaden grudges into gold.

That way we can truly become gods in control of our own destiny.

I agree completely, your first post was brilliant also babyalien, but i forgot to mention it at first. Can you forgive me, lol...

lol

Well people not providing agreement with my opinion actually naturally intensify my wit. no worrys:)

Unfortuantely my wit is what gets to people, even if my intent was to change there awareness to help them.

I know someone who thinks that to. But in fact its because he is full of himself that people don't like him.

The person in question thinks he is better than everyone else, that he is Superior. And he does a poor job hiding his self proclaimed superiority. While he truly is smart and above ordinary, he certainly is not the only one, and there are many better than him.
His personality turns really ugly if he meets someone better than him, he is unable to cope with it.
He just has a detestable personality to be around.

I'm not saying that's the case with you, but it never hurts to make sure.
Just a friendly insight i give here.
It probably does not apply to you, since people working with magick tend to be more spiritually developed than that.

I see, I may have psychesis, back then I was delusioned, so deluded that I was incoherent, some one called me that, I asked someone what incoherent meant, and they said really clear lol, I felt happy, how dumb, I could'nt even see my own delusions.

Thinking about it, I was so deluded that I formed my own variations of sentences co's I could'nt learn anything, I just made things up in my head as usual, people thought I was french, dark dark days, but i'm so different now, to think people moan now, I'm well:).

This post has been edited by babyalien: Jun 10 2005, 12:45 PM

Most probably I am out of line here, but maybe you should not take it all too much to heart. Nothing much matters really, apart from how you get through your life and how you conduct yourself, - and that is only the opinion of one person.

If it is of any consequence, you do very well. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Alafair is right in some way, it may not be poetry, but its good advise to anyone.

Anyway, I like your style babyalien. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

Thankyou both:)

I feel the topic has been lost.

i dont forgive and forget
because i remember reading a quote

"dont forgive and forget but forgive and remember beacause it is the memories that will teach you in the end"

forgive and remeber dont hold grudges it'll just vain your spirit
everything opens with understand
(IMG:style_emoticons/default/wub.gif)

i dint know if this helps

I think it means that once we have let go of the situation, that we then just forget about it since it is no longer worrying us, but you are right Silent Rain, remembering is useful to learn something from it (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

yes, you are right Silent-rain. It would be hard to forget anyway, things like that alway stick.

If someone hurts me, I remember not to put myself in a position where that person can hurt me like that again.

Doing that requires me not to forget what both I, and that person, did.