Am I nuts? Options

Hello, I would like to share a bad experience that I've had
with the dark forces as a child. It has affected me my entire
life, and I am hopeing someone here might have some insight
for me.

Please humor me, I will try to describe events as closely
as I can remember them.

One day, a long long time ago, my mother and I were at
a small musty smelling second hand shop browsing around.

I remember feeling a little nervous and holding my mothers
hand rather tightly and in fact being a bit of a nuisance because
I kept on getting in her way as she walked around.

She brought me to the toy section and told me to stay there
and play nicely while she looked at a few books, and not to talk
to anyone until she got back.

There was many plastic transformers and stuffed dolls and animals,
after a few seconds I had completely forgotten everything and was
happily rumaging around in the bins. At the bottom of one large bin
I found a giant silly looking dog with giant flat black and white plastic
eyes and a silly lopsided stitched grin. I found it rather endearing and
pulled it out and set it down, I remember racing cars up and down
its giant round feet and having a fun old time.

Mother returned and I remember her asking if I found anything nice, and
me replying that the dog was neat, but it was big so it was probably
expensive, but she picked it up and examined it for rips. Since it
turned out to be in pretty good shape all things considered, and also
not expensive, she decided to get it for me.

Mom carried the big dog, and slowly we wandered home picking up
a few more items along the way.

That night after dinner I went to my room to fool around for a bit before
bedtime, and of course was playing with the dog, I remember using it
mostly as landscape for various adventures. After a while I got tired of
it and started playing in a different area of my room.

I dont know what made me do it, but suddently I sat up and looked over
my shoulder and saw that the dog seemed to be staring directly at me. I didnt
think much of it, for a moment I thought maybe I had heard something
because for some reason I looked directly at the dog. It just sat there,
a great giant lump of a thing on the floor.

I got up to go to the bathroom and see what mum was up to, when I came back
the dog was just where I had left it and so were all my other toys, completely
typical situation. So I rummaged though my closet for some other interesting
gear to toy with, when I turned around.. why.. there was that dog, facing me again.
Suddenly I became worried. Left the room and pulled mother into the bathroom, I
can remember even now how I talked to her in hushed tones and felt the gooseflesh
crawling on the back of my neck as I talked to mother about it.

Surprisingly she was completely understanding and not skeptical of my sometimes
overactive imagination. She told me to have a quick bath and get ready for bed, she
would go take a look for herself.

By the time I got out and finished drying off, mom was on the phone, and at her feet
was a large box that she had taped shut. After she finished the conversation and
hung up I asked her if the dog was inside (I hadnt gone back to my room yet). She
told me the dog was inside, and that some friends would come over tomorrow and
examine it for us.

That night was the worst of my life. All night long we heard voices in our living room,
strange voices whose words we could never quite make out. Loud voices, quiet
voices. Footsteps and thumps. We locked ourselves in my mothers room and put a
knife in the doorjam and I can remember praying. I dont remember falling asleep
but the moring seemed to suddenly arrive. We didnt leave our room until mom's
friends rang the intercom box.

Mother told them what had happened that night, I could tell she was still very
shaken, as was I. The fellows took the box and asked mom and me to go have some
breakfast down the street while they took a look inside.

After we came back, all but one man had left the apartment. He explained that they
felt our suspicions had been correct to box the toy up and call them. They had
explained that they also felt strange around the toy, as if it looked at them no matter
where they moved in the room. They told us they had used a knife and gutted it,
pulled its stuffing out, ripped off its eyes, ears, arms, legs, and shredded the skinn
as best they could. I remember them saying how hard it had been to destroy the
toy, and took all their strength.

He told us they had put it in the remains in the dumpster in the ally behind our
apparment. He told us to give him a call if we had anymore problems.

Two days later we still had not experienced any more voices or problems of any kind
and were feeling much much better, until mom asked me to take out the
trash. I had forgotten that they had said the remains were put in the dumpster
behind our house.

So I dragged out two large bags of garbage just as the garbage truck was
pulling into our ally. I remember placing the box beside the dumpster so I could get
high enough to open the lid and heave the bags over the side.

As I opened the lid, and unwelcome face greeted me, the dog. Looking to be
in quite good condition, all things considered. It stared up at me with that same
lop sidded smirk, its flat eyes pointed directly at me.

I threw a bag of garbage on its head and ran. That was the last I saw of it.

Now here is the part that bothers me...

I sometimes feel scared, I cant explain it, but suddently I'll feel cold, and scared
and gooseflesh will crawl all across my skin. Im not a child anymore and I would
like to address these fears and move on with my life.

Are these feelings just trama from my childhood, or am I dealing
with something more?

Does anyone have any insight or possibly some advice for me?

I practise wicca, minor magick, zen, and martial arts.. you would think
that I could deal with this myself, yet sometimes the feeling is quite overpowering
and even keeps me awake at night with a strong sense of fear as if something
is there with me. Something dark and evil.
(IMG:style_emoticons/default/help.gif)

This post has been edited by green_pheonix: Jul 7 2005, 09:46 PM

I don't see anything related or mentioning about Infernal Spirits you originally post this so I'll move this to a more appropriate forum (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Try banishing? Who were these friends of your mothers? I need a bit more info. Does your mother experience the same things or did experience the same things?

Well if you are nuts, don't worry too much, you are in good company LOL.
With your experience, yes vivid deep level experiences like that as a kid can cause problems throughout life. When I was a kid I had the creepiest ghost show up that I have ever felt, and it creeped me out for years afterwards. Also, feeling similar ghosts would bring the memory and/or feeling back.

At least you know what the event was, that really helps. What I figure is that you are reexperiencing it a little, as well as when you feel similar energies or beings, you get the same anxiety and fear that you had when you were a kid.
As you practice magic and become more confident in your practice that will help a lot! Also, as you feel comfortable start to work on that event bringing it out and getting over it, SLOWLY, do not go faster than you feel comfortable with.
You said you were Wiccan I beleive, you can also contact some of your local experienced practitioners, and they might be able to help you with this (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)
Also, knowing how to get rid of various beings really helps, banishings and/or salt works wonders!

As for what was in the stuffed dog, well from my guess it could have been any number of things that either decided to take up residence, was put there by someone, or just really horrid energy built up (not puprosefully) into someting over time from the last owner of the toy.

It is good that your mother was so understanding about the whole thing (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) It also sounds like she might have known something about the occult, as well as her friends. I'm sure you might be able to get some more information about the situation and the dog by talking with her.

Best of luck (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Athena

Try to mentally track back until you are back before the dumpster.
Use your magical skill to destroy the entity before it can scare you.

See yourself standing behind your small self, and then focus confidence into your small self. And then destroy the dog with your magick.
Then open your eyes, and be confident that you were able to destroy the entity.

It may take a few tries to succesfully banish it.

@Athena, Thank you for your kind words! Yes, my mother is a deeply spiritual
person, although if you asked her she would probably deny it. But she has
always had close ties to the Fey. I think the men that came over were people
from my mothers church, priests or something.

@Smoking_fox, that sounds interesting, Im not so good at astral travel yet
so I'll give it some time and build up some strength in that area before
I go trying to rewrite my own history (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif) Thanks for the suggestions.

Im going to hijack my own thread uhh.. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) heh, sorry.

I have been building a manifestation of a fire salamander, last night I felt
very cold (and a little creeped out) after sharing my experience. So I called a
circle and did my grounding, and then meditations, followed by my ninjutsu
Kuji-in finger weaving, and then finally I finished with a long session of fire building
in my belly which I projected into my baby salamander.. FINALLY IT TOOK SHAPE!

Up until now it had only been a spark, more like a glowing dot that winked in and
out of reality, but last night it turned into a tiny transparent smudge with wings.
It slept on my shoulder and I finially found out what its like to have negative
energy literally sucked out and replaced with positive energy! I think it was
trying to say thanks for all that I have done for it to bring it into reality.

At first I didnt know what was going on, my entire body started tingling right down
to my toes, (like when your foot falls asleep, except it happened to my whole body
as I was lying on my back in bed! What followed was very refreshing energy
pouring into me, very relaxing, and i was able to sleep without any problem.
This morning I awoke feeling strong and motivated.

I just had to share that! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/flame.gif)
This is my first positive manifestetion! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/13.gif)

Try banishing? Who were these friends of your mothers? I need a bit more info. Does your mother experience the same things or did experience the same things?

@GunpowerderPerfume;

She experienced the dog looking at her, I left it out, but when she went into the room
by herself she said that she first looked at the dog and it seemed to be facing her
direction, then she walked to the other side of the room and looked back and the
eyes seemed to be still looking strait at her.

I would just like to note, im not sure if I described it properly, this dog did
not have those round shiny eyes, they were flat plastic and only black and white in
color..

She said she walked around the room a couple times, but it really creeped her
out and thats when she just ran up, grabed it by a big floppy ear, and stuffed
it in the nearest box.

That night she also experienced the voices and the thumping in our living room.

Greetings!
I'm very psyched to hear of your experiences with the salamander! They can be quite exhilarating! I wish you luck in keeping it as they can be very capricious. Make sure that it knows where it can rest safely...In ancient Egypt they were used to ward temples and crypts. I find them friendly and nice to have around in the winter. *sigh* Big difference from princely tombs to leaky plumbing....LOL!

The other bit of nastiness......Sometimes we can come across some very powerful entities. It is rare but unless you are well versed in such things it is best to avoid them. There are things out there that even a seasoned veteran wouldn't care to tango with. I'm glad you left it behind. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/shok.gif)

yeah, i hope i don't get to tango with something powerful before i am ready for it.
There sure are some great powers out there. I have come by such entities, but i have always been lucky to be left alone by them.

I once even tried to destroy one, sent a mean magickal attack towards it. It sent one right back that made mine seem like a small joke. I was ill for the entire weekend after that, severe case of diarrhea, probably because my energy system was all messed up, probably something to do with my solar plexus. Strong that one was, but i was lucky that it took satisfaction with a simple retaliation.

Nowadays when i see such entities i make myself invisible and go my way, unless they follow me home. Not many entities can tackle me in my own temple, i tend to get angry at unrequested invasion of my temple, and my strength benefits from being in my own space of power. Perhaps i have built ties with the earths energy at that location, perhaps because the place is attuned to me.

That is a positively chilling story you've recounted for us here! Contrary to what a lot of people in the magical community will suggest to you, what I would do is try a Buddhist technique called "metta" or "loving-kindness." If you'd like to follow along to an audio file of a guided loving-kindndess meditation session, you can listen to this mp3: http://www.buddhanet.net/mp3/loving1.mp3 It's a four-minute long mp3.

The "fourth" person in this meditation can be the spirit of the fear that you feel at times in regards to this situation.

I've been connected to something similar.

There's this camp I regularly go on out near the coast each January - a Christian camp (me being a Christian and all). I should note that this venue is called "Wambiri" (which translates to "the meeting place", and from what I've heard from the older leaders, it's an often accurate name).

I was walking back from a latenight service, going around the oval to my cabin. In the middle of the oval is a tree, and as I looked towards it, I could see what appeared to be a corpse hanging off it. Not adult-size, not child-size, somewhere in between. I kept walking around the oval, and this thing moved with the tree - so it was definitely hanged off it. About half a minute after I first saw it, I blinked and it was gone.

I didn't think much of it at the time... although that's just my nonchalance rather than anything else.

Anyway, the next year I relate this to a friend, who suddenly turned white and sent me off to tell a specific leader about it. So once I get back from explaining to the leader about it, I come back and ask what that was all about. It seemed that just before that specific camp, one of the leaders had found a noose hidden up the tree. Not just thrown up there, mind - carefully hidden.

They found this slightly creepy, so they decided to pray over it, which is when it started to move of its own accord. They decided to set it alight and destroy it.

Just thought you might like to know that - you're definitely not nuts. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)

Thank you Rin Daemoko! I will try that exercise tonight and let you know
how it goes for me. I am a bit of a budhist, but not nearly as much as my wife (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)

I should mention that I had nightmares for a long time after that bad experience.

Not every night, about once every 6 months for about 6 years, I havnet
had the dreams for a long time. I was about 11 years old when it happened.

But as I said, ocasionally the original fear will return and will keep
me awake at night.

Im not sure if I could survive a head on confrontation with such a being
so far I have just allowed it to frighten me, but done nothing to anger or provoke it.

Im worried though, strange things are happening.
Im feeling urges during meditation and being drawn to strange places
that I have never been before. Unsettleing.

The kuji is becoming more powerful, I feel the inner warrior awakening.
Coming conflict?

Greetings!
I'm very psyched to hear of your experiences with the salamander! They can be quite exhilarating! I wish you luck in keeping it as they can be very capricious. Make sure that it knows where it can rest safely...In ancient Egypt they were used to ward temples and crypts. I find them friendly and nice to have around in the winter. *sigh* Big difference from princely tombs to leaky plumbing....LOL!

The other bit of nastiness......Sometimes we can come across some very powerful entities. It is rare but unless you are well versed in such things it is best to avoid them. There are things out there that even a seasoned veteran wouldn't care to tango with. I'm glad you left it behind. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/shok.gif)

Unfortunately it turns out my salamander conjouration was
only a temporary guest, but perhaps the effort was not wasted.

I am new to manifesting the elements in form so I did not know that
only with very powerful magicks can an elemental be bound
permanently to this plane, and acording to the information I
have: binding an elemental is likely to upset it and once bound
they are almost imposible to unbind.

So my little guest came and went, and again I am alone, but at least
I gained a clearer insight into the nature of the primordial planes without
doing any real damage.

When I think of the damage I could have unknowingly caused due
to ignorance I shudder because at one point in time I did attempt
to bind it to a vessel, but then reconsidered and set it free.

Little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Perhaps some day I will go to Muspellheim and visit my little friend.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/922.gif)

This post has been edited by green_pheonix: Jul 10 2005, 02:48 PM

I sometimes feel scared, I cant explain it, but suddently I'll feel cold, and scared
and gooseflesh will crawl all across my skin. Im not a child anymore and I would
like to address these fears and move on with my life.

Are these feelings just trama from my childhood, or am I dealing
with something more?

Does anyone have any insight or possibly some advice for me?

I practise wicca, minor magick, zen, and martial arts.. you would think
that I could deal with this myself, yet sometimes the feeling is quite overpowering
and even keeps me awake at night with a strong sense of fear as if something
is there with me. Something dark and evil.

I realize this may not help you much coming from someone much younger than you, but I know exactly how you feel. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and stay up for hours, unable to fall back asleep because I'm afraid to. I get really paranoid and jump at the slightest sound. This happens to me sometimes during the day as well... I don't believe I have any tramatizing childhood experiances though... I'm not sure what it is but if you're nuts because of this, we both are ^^


Edit ~ added the quote so you would be able to see what I'm talking about, lol...

This post has been edited by Demetria: Jul 14 2005, 08:25 PM

I sometimes feel scared, I cant explain it, but suddently I'll feel cold, and scared
and gooseflesh will crawl all across my skin. Im not a child anymore and I would
like to address these fears and move on with my life.

Are these feelings just trama from my childhood, or am I dealing
with something more?

Does anyone have any insight or possibly some advice for me?

I practise wicca, minor magick, zen, and martial arts.. you would think
that I could deal with this myself, yet sometimes the feeling is quite overpowering
and even keeps me awake at night with a strong sense of fear as if something
is there with me. Something dark and evil. 

I totally understand your fear. I used to feel that way too, after having nightmares or just randomly being scared of something.

About a year ago, I had a terrible nightmare in which I dreamt of myself lying in the bed-exactly the same as I really was.
I dreamt that there were three big disasters/fears/creatures/whatever under which impact I was.
There was something under my bed (ok,sounds funny but it wasn't), some sort of red hands that would catch me and draw me under the bed if i climbed off the bed. There was something like a virus that started to pour out of my computer, but it felt more like a real creature(blue in colour), and there was some force over the whole world that was coming towards me. And so these 3 things were coming closer and closer to me, wanting to suffocate me, as I was just shaking on my bed, unable to go anywhere while they surrounded me.
Then I woke up(though it felt the same as I was on my bed), and I was really scared. 17 of age, I wanted to run into my parents bedroom and spend the rest of the night there, but I was too scared of that thing under my bed because the dream was so vivid. I just layed there in dark, scared as if those things were really there. Finally, after some time of struggling with myself, I managed to overcome it and fell back asleep, dreaming of nothing.

After that night, all fears in my life just seemed to leave me. I guess that was the breaking point where I overcame them. I have only one left there, and that's the sea weed phobia(maybe that fear is gone too, havent been swimming yet).

I guess this doesn't helps, but just thought I'd share. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

I have a simmilar experience though the entity/s were not in a toy nor could i see it but in all my life i've never experienced anything like it since when i was younger around 11 i think i went with my aunt and her boyfreind at the time to a church which he was helping to renevate i was young and knew very little of magick in any form but as i was roaming around by myself on the floor closest to the attic (they had already renevated here and were just using it as a room to store things in at the moment) i noticed an odd feeling that was creeping up my spine it took me a minute to relize it was fear real fear the kind that makes you want to run immediately. i felt very strongly that i wasn't alone in that room and since there were only about 4 other people there and they were downstairs then my immediate thought was of a ghost but this was no ghost i'm usually pretty modest but i was hard to scare as a child and the only thing that stopped me from running away really fast was the shock of feeling so afraid when physicly there was no reason so this being thought i said well lets find out if someones up here shall we well as soon as i said "is anyone up here" it felt like a cold hand had gripped my heart with the force of a god and i started to feel really weak like i'd just got done running a marathon and i was close to passing out so i ran faster than i think i ever have before and when i had finnaly made down stairs my aunt said i passed out right at the bottom(i don't really remember much after i started to run) they took me to the hospital and the doctor said that physicaly nothing was wrong and that at my age i shouldn't have passed out like that since i had no medical problem that would cause it like epilepsy or hypoglicemia but i know why there was something in that church that probably intended on hurting me bad and since then i don't go into any church house anything of the sort alone.

how do you conjure a salamander? I want one T_T

how do you conjure a salamander? I want one T_T

Its a fire element, a fire invocation ritual might be a starting point, depends how you work, maybe you would prefer to use a sigil.

What with the dragon you want and now a salamander, soon you will have a menagerie (IMG:style_emoticons/default/13.gif)

Greetings Hitman_Chris!
As Radiant Star was implying, you need above 30 posts to 'spell beg' for the info on the Elemental evocation... Please take some time to read over the rules. I'm fairly sure that these didn't change during the crossover from .com to .org. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

This reminds me of a santa claus doll I used to have when I was maybe 7-8ish the thing itself screamed evil. It had conical shoes wore this typical red and black outfit. It always had this little smile on this face that always seemed to follow me along with its eyes. Were deep blue and seemed to look right through me and into my heart. As though it were waiting for a time when was vulnerable. It used to sit in my room when I first got it. It wasn't long until I tossed out in our downstairs living room. No maybe its just the child's imagination but both my sisters and I could have sworn that when we'd go down to where I had left and then went to do something else when we came back it would always be in a slightly different position. I also had this polar bear who was decorated like a santa doll. But I liked this toy and so it was special to me. I once left my bear with the santa and the next day the Santa was slouched over (like it was hit or beat up or something) and my polar bear was looking right it (like don't even move a muscle). Now I can't sit here and say these toys are duking it out when nobody is looking but I saw what I saw, even if what I really saw wan't true. The simple notion that my bear had "defeated" this santa doll gave ease to my fears. I remember throwing it into the basement and telling it to not come back because I would feed it to my bear. Later that year we had our annual garage sale and somebody else picked up the santa doll and haven't seen it sense.

I think toys collect psychic energy and the energy the collect reflects how they are treated. Whomever had that santa doll last (I think the person at the sale bought it because they said it was really old) had probably not treated it well. Maybe they too were intimidated by it or maybe they were just spoiled and rotten. Chances are if it was old it had absorbed several energy sources. Maybe the doll had gained a kind of life of its own and like all living things wanted to stay alive by feeding off the energies of its owner.

Green Pheonix I think what would really help is if you could remember a toy you had that was special to you. Such a toy would be like the proverbial teddy bear that made you feel protected. Conjure that from your past to embrace it once more and each time you feel afraid -know- that special toy is there, with you, protecting you. Assuming this is a possibility. If not, then perhaps what you could do is get somebody who makes you feel protected/secure to either make you a statue or piece of jewlry that will reinforce that protected emotion. Each time you're alone in the dark and afraid of the shadows that may or may not lay between worlds simply reach for this ward and know you are safe.