Ten things a man should know!1. If you really don't want to know what's wrong, then don't ask!
2. By the way, when we say "Nothing," we mean "Everything."
3. If you actually believe the answer "Nothing," then you're in bigger trouble than you were before.
4. Don't call us up and ask us out, if you don't have the foggiest idea where you are going to take us.
5. Believe it or not, listening to you burp after we cook you dinner is not a way of saying, "Wow, honey, that was delicious."
6. Please try to refrain from scratching your private parts in front of us, no matter how discrete you try to do it, we always see it.
7. When you hang out the window of moving cars with your buddies, and call to us, "Hey baby! Hey baby! Hey, where are you going? Do you want a ride, baby?" You don't actually think we're going to get in, do you?
8. We know that in the morning, certain parts of your anatomy arise before others, but Sunday mornings are meant to sleep in.
9. And poking us, will not put us in a better mood.
10. The woman's breast consists of more than just the nipple.
A WOMAN'S 50 RULES FOR MEN 1.Call.
2.Don't lie.
3.Never tape any of her body parts together.
4.If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5.If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6.The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7.Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8.Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9.Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10.Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11."Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag","Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12.Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13.A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14.None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15.Her cooking is excellent.
16.That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17.Dishsoap is your friend.
18.Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19.Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20.Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21.Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22.Two words: clean socks.
23.Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24.Burping is not sexy.
25.You're wrong.
26.You're sorry.
27.She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28.Ditto for your discourse on football.
29.Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30."Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31.Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32.Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33.No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34."But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35.Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 p.m.
36.Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37.Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38.If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39.Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40.Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41.Always, always suck up to her brother.
42.Think boxers.
43.Silk boxers.
44.Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45.Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46.Her haircut is never bad.
47.Don't let your friends pick on her.
48.Don't bad-mouth her family/friends/job -- even if she does.
49.Listen.
50.The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
THE RULES 1. Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5
WHAT MEN SHOULD SAY WHEN CAUGHT LOOKING AT ANOTHER WOMAN I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)
Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.
I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)
Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie- and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her
I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case
Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!
Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.
I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).
I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).
Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing..
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflateable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
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What A Man Should Know!, Woman speaks
Nov 30 2006, 03:26 AM
