Greetings and salutations! First off, I would like to introduce myself, you may call me Michael, or Dragon, whichever you prefer. I am writing this not only on this forum, but others as well, as what I seek is apparently difficult to find and even harder to understand. We shall start off with my background, as that is where I started myself. I was born in Florida, a place I still yet feel an undeniable connection to, I am a capricorn, and prefer not to discuss my prepubescent years as they are a source of anguish for me. Like many, I did not have an ideal childhood, suffice to say I experienced far too much at far too young an age, having to deal with the death of my father at age 6, sexual abuse to my teens, and physical abuse until I decided to venture out on my own. I do not believe any of this has any bearing on what I am seeking, I relay this only to give a general background on myself. From a very early age, I have felt something inside of me. Now I would like to pause here and elaborate. Many times when I have related this sentiment to someone, they believe me to be either insane or a liar. I at first assumed this was the christian god, as I was raised in the babtist faith. However, after straying so far as to openly challenge that god alone in a field one night during a hellacous thunderstorm (IMG:style_emoticons/default/00000047.gif) , I still felt it then, it has never left and I trust it never will. Sometimes when I meditate, or attempt to as I am still learning, I feel the touch of something, it makes contact right with my heart, and I am overcome with an emotion that makes me feel so pure, so beautiful, so grateful that many times I cannot help but weep afterwards. I cannot stress enough that what I feel is not unnatural, at least not to me, and it does not tell me to go harm others, even if at times I do find suggestions in my mind that I refuse to believe are my own. I believe everyone has dark thoughts, morbid urges, but I have as of yet relegated these to mere fancy. I will divulge that there is a history of mental illness within my family, however, I refuse to dismiss all that I feel, see, and experience as mania or dementia. Now that we have the background out of the way, let me express why I am here. As I mentioned above, I have always been able to feel a presence within me, a sort of strange energy for lack of a better term. I can manipulate it on some levels, rising it within me to the point where I begin to shake and am afraid to go any farther. I can move it throughout my body, and I believe I have used this to heal myself on various occasions, not some spontaneous regeneration or anything silly like that, but in all my 30 years I have only been to the hospital once, and that is something I will discuss momentarily. All throughout my life, I have been able to see and sometimes feel things that others say aren't there, or in retrospect seem out of place. I remember quite clearly the first time I saw something, I do not know whether it was a spirit, a ghost, or some other entity, but I had arisen late at night, spending the evening with my aunt and felt compelled to go to her front window, and on the street corner below, I saw a woman I did not know, who subsequently morphed into a man, then a dog, and then dissipated. I have never spoken of this to anyone, however, since I am now seeking help and/or guidance, I feel it paramount to be entirely honest. As a young man, I was enthralled by mythology and folklore, and spent countless hours reading and rereading any text concerning these subjects or religion. I do not consider myself an expert in any field, however, I do have in my mind vast reservoirs of fables, myths, legends, and other folklore that I enjoy referencing in conversation, much to the dismay of my peers, who usually have no idea what I'm talking about. In my teens I attempted to delve into the occult, but all I ever found was children wanting to play dress up and have a rousing game of "Ill believe you if you believe me". In my early 20's, I once again attempted to open myself up to mystical powers, but that ended with me finding out the person I was supposedly learning from was just an asinine braggart, who knew about as much as I did, and I ended up dying on an operating table for a minute after OD'ing in an attempt to force my conscious into a shamanistic experience. Needless to say, I learned little if anything. I realize now in hindsight that I was not ready at either time to learn anything of merit, to take anything seriously, and I had not yet shed enough ingrained brainwashing to see anything even if it had been revealed to me. A few years ago, I tried on Satanism, but found it less akin to communing with other worldly beings, and more like masturbating to a picture of yourself. That venture didn't last very long. Currently, I have been reading up on meditation exercises, and have been attempting to open my third eye. As an aside here, when I attempt to commune with and open it, I can physically feel it, below center in my forehead, just above my browline. My question on this is, is that ok and normal? I know through visualization and such, it is accepted to mentally feel it, but is it ok to physically feel it? Another thing while I am on a tangent, I read this during my research on various forums-
"You will become more aware, more concentrated and more relaxed. You will generally feel great. Also, as an added bonus for all you Left-hand Pathers out there, vampirism is a very fine way to manipulate others and establish yourself as the alpha dog. Your victim will often open up to you, as they feel an immediate bond. They will often see you as their superior, as somewhere in their being they are aware of what's taking place and they realize that they're helpless to stop you. Those who are your superiors in other areas of life will often develop a respect for you that they might not fully understand."

This describes me to a T. However, to consider myself some sort of energy vampire is not something I believe I can accept so easily. But this description, along with my personal experiences points to this. I can meet a person, talk to them very little, mostly just concentrate on them with my eyes, and then a light touch, and it's like I know them, and they feel they know me, and I know all their limits, what they laugh at, what they may fear, and how to make them like me more.

But getting back to why I am posting this, I am looking for any insight into my situation, which way should I go? Where should I start? There seem to be so many avenues, and I have yet to feel particularly drawn to any singular aspect of mysticism or magick. Feel free to post here, or send a PM, whichever you feel more comfortable with. I am at a point now where if I feel frustrated and anxious, as if there is something vitally important I need to be doing, I just have yet to find what it is. This is the most honest and open I have ever been concerning these matters, relating here things which have never been expressed by me in any fashion. I hope that my message finds you all in good health and spirits, and I look forward to hopefully enlightenment on some level.